Taurus April 20 - May 20
You need a nice, warm bath this week.
It could involve bubbles, it might not. The stars weren't terribly specific this week. Reticent might be the word you use to describe them. Or some others, considerably less polite.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Lots and lots of greasy food, while not being the greatest for your skin, weight, cholesterol, or hygeine, is excellent, especially if you happen to participate in slide-races, and never could get going fast enough when you didn't use to sweat grease.
Chew your food carefully this week.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Jelly is not a good substitute for waterpaints.
It does passably for oil-based paintings, but only if you're 100 percent certain that no little kids will be attending your exhibitions.
Tickle a dentist this week, they never seem to be in a good enough humour. [If you are a dentist, please disregard, and try to look surprised when people come up to you and tickle you this week.]

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Saturn is rather pissed you didn't make that cake last week.
It mentioned something about opening up a can of, yep, you got it, whuparse.
If you're a celebrity, I got your nose!

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. All because of a little wart, which got you plenty of attention, sure, but it also hurt quite a lot.
Such is the stuff of great literature.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Awesome!
A little asteroid named Bingo in your third house of Love means you get to meet Gay Byrne!
You may thank/curse the little asteroid named Bingo when, once it's done passing through your third house of Love, crashes violently into the perfume counter of Marks and Spencer, making your neighbourhood smell quite nice for the latter half of the week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A little dog with a Republic of Ireland scarf on, singing "The Boys in Green," occupies your stoop early this week.
Some people claim Nostradamus predicted this, along with the eclipse, but you're skeptical.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Gangrene is not fun, despite how phonetically fun it is.
This will teach you to guage fun-ness by phonetics ever again.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Whilst trying to befriend a duck this week, you'll potentially lose the fingers on your right hand.
The case where you lose the fingers on your right hand is the one in which the duck turns out to be a tiger. Because ducks don't really have very sharp teeth, or other means of removing your fingers on either hand.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
NO HOROSCOPE!
Wooo! Bummer, dude. The Terrifically Lazy Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Biscuits say hello.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you make the last train out of Victoria on Thursday evening, wear chiffon and something green, as Herbert said he'd be waiting. Otherwise, Jupiter says black is in, possibly with a daring red bowtie.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Beauty becomes more than Life if, and only if, you let it. It's generally quite congenial, and up for suggestion, though, if you let it go, it'll run all over the place.
Beauty can be a real pain in the arse sometimes. Especially Wednesdays.

[Horoscopes. read a book today.]