Taurus April 20 - May 20
Ribbit, ribbit.
Whirlwind tour leaves you cryptically poignant this week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Piñata is an extremely fun word to say.
However, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. So don't push it.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You are grateful, this week, that we've never really delved into toilet-humour, a well-beloved genre of the sitcom-generations and nine out of ten people who honestly believe in Santa Claus' twin brother, Alfred, who lives at the South Pole, and distributes IPOs to start-up internet companies.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Whatever happened to your phone?
Make a cake this week. Make it with lots of chocolate. Saturn says so.
If you're a celebrity, take a long, warm shower on Thursday. Try to make it last until Friday.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Mercury tip-toeing through your sign with a ukelele will have you in the unlucky position of having to decide between chocolate or French Vanilla ice cream. French Vanilla, being capitalised, would seem the logical choice, but no one can resist chocolate, unless they're deathly allergic to it, and then they're living a horrid Life, anyway.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You miss the chickens from last week, and hope that it'll turn out that the aliens look like chickens, and perhaps show a penchant for crossing the corridor/road.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't look back. You can never go back. Ever. So stop thinking about it.
Also, stop thinking of a little dog with a Republic of Ireland scarf on, singing "The Boys in Green".

Aries March 21 - April 19
There is so much dust in the air I honestly think I'm going to need to change my lungs, like one of those vacuum cleaner dustbags. Only I tend to have problems with the vacuum cleaner, so minor invasive surgery may be slightly more tricky.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Eh, no one cares about Captain Dodgy and his wonderdog, Biffy, escaping from Wildo the Evil Sorceror.
Your week will involve complicated maths.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Terribly interesting this week, you have no horoscope. None. Not even a little one.
Hmm... wherever could it have gone... oh, right, you've not had one for ninety-something horoscopes now, I remember now.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Dodgy cheese will plague your week.
This includes cheese on cookies, bread, scones, cereal, and assorted furniture items.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A rather loud explosion will define your week.
Which is the first Time anyone's seen an explosion used as such, though there doesn't seem to be any immediate danger of loud explosions replacing dictionaries any time soon. What with the danger of loss of hearing and all.

[Horoscopes. sanemagazine is currently on world tour.]