Taurus April 20 - May 20
Fanny packs are no longer in. Please, please, please do try and remember that this week.
Whether or not they were ever 'in' is still up for debate.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Commercially speaking, this week isn't going to be very special.
It will, however, follow some fantastic non-plot, very much like a real commercial.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The money is hidden behind the family crest in the master library.
If you have no family crest, nor do you have any master library, please disregard the preceding.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Turkey and bacon sandwiches are the key to Life.
Which is a little known bi-product of the primordial ooze and the lightning.
If you're a celebrity, I don't have to tell you that your dog has been 'visiting' my lawn again. Please take care, or I'll have to take an unfortunate course of action.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
As Auden is once rumoured to have said, "Wrangle not, lest ye be wrangled."
There is a fair chance he said nothing of the kind, which is what you get when you buy your history books from Hillary Clinton.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Well-guarded secrets never seem to hold up well under prolonged artillery fire. Even a catapult seems to bring down the most well-guarded secrets. Not really very much good, then, are they?

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Curtains. Nice curtains.
Fizzy drinks on Thursday will do you no end of good.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Possibly because you're in Love, you begin to notice special little quirks and traits about the newly minted object of your affection, like when they ask you if you'd mind getting your elbow out of their soup and going back to your own seat.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Will Captain Fudge and his dashing sidekick Mertle rescue Jimmy the Beeper from almost certain harm at the hands of Balderdash, the Wicked?
Stay tuned, for, next week, we give you the answer, hopefully more than a one word answer, too!

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Gargantuan Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Slack-Jawed Amazement convene this week, again, much to some of the board members' dismay, to discuss how much it must suck to not have a horoscope. They vote twelve of twelve that, yes, Number Seven's socks don't match.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Something will happen this week. Something big. Huge, even. Probably involving you.
Possibly not, though. In which case, 45% chance of rain on Tuesday.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is probably proven not to be that great for your health.
Therefore, only having it for breakfast and dinner probably is all right.
Consult a doctor before ordering Cherry Garcia.

[Horoscopes. literature, if you squint extremely hard.]