Taurus April 20 - May 20
Due to last week's horoscopes being so terrible, you get a refund. Head down to your nearest sanemagazine office and fill out the horoscope refund form in triplicate, sign it in blood, drop it in your nearest post box, wait four to six weeks, and someone'll be round to sort it all out.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your worst nightmare turns out to be Don Rickles. This is okay, as he qualifies for quite a few people's worst nightmare. He notably doesn't visit you this week, in physical or dream-like form.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Jellybeans, this week, provide sustenance for three to four medium-sized people on a desert island. You, luckily, are not one of those three-four, but you have to envy them for the jellybeans, anyway.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Bad hair day on Wednesday? Fear not, spread a little butter on your hair, and it'll flatten right down. You'll also not increase your cholesterol levels, as some portion of butter you may have eaten is now on your head. Unless you suck on your hair a lot, or had to go out and buy butter for this remedy, in which case, your cholesterol levels are probably the same, of not more, than what they would be.
If you're a celebrity, whirr whirr whirr.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's warm. Too warm. Light a fire, and you'll notice how much cooler it was a few minutes prior.
That's what Einstein called 'Relativity.' Or Twister. One of the two, I always forget.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Don Quixote's younger brother Steve rings your flat this week, asking if you haven't any dames that need rescuing, fights that need fighting, laundry that needs washing, or just need someone to come round and dust.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll have your badge.
This week is an excellent one to take up rolling out red carpets.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Blue moon in Aries means trouble! Get to your waterplane as quickly as you can, bring your dog, and wing your way to the islands, where you can await further instructions, only to have poisonous darts shot at you by natives holding Nokia mobile phones.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Chicken.
This cryptic horoscope brought to you by a lack of imagination and a fondness for chickens.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Ah, now this is more like it. No horoscope for Scorpios.
I think that's what wrecked last week's rubbish heap.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Semiotics aside, call a burger a burger, and get on with it.
You'll have a weird burning sensation in your left ear this week, which either means someone is talking about you, thinking about you, or that you just lost your bet on Juventus' chances in the Intertoto.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You rock. You're so cool. We really like Aquarii.
You will have a groovie week, probably on a beach somewhere warm. Very warm. And very inhabited by drinks with umbrellas in them. Overwhelmed, someone might say, had they the faculties to do so any more.

[Horoscopes. rabbit.]