Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week, tuna fish is not only an excellent source of vitamins and other sorts of healthy stuff for lunch, but if you strap two to your feet and skate around on them, they're a handy means of transportation!
Or, all right, maybe not a handy means of transportation, but at least you've got tuna tied to your feet!

Leo July 23 - August 22
A penny saved is a penny earned. Facing of course, the paradox of not being able to earn a penny to save, you might want to make your own printing press, and just print off twenty pound notes, then you can save all of them, and make up a saying all your own about getting a printing press and saving twenty pound notes.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Gerri, the fourteenth planet in our solar system, as yet undiscovered, in your house of Cake, will give you the strong urge to turn green and put on fifty pounds of pure muscle and get really shaggy hair. We suggest you fight that urge, and instead read a good book or something.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
BT revokes your phone privileges this week, which is funny, since you're not even with BT. You'd write them a letter, but the Guadalupan Postal Service has closed on your postal service, as well, despite, again, you not being serviced by them.
If you're a celebrity, I though I had told you to eat more 'fire' last week, but I was wrong. Apologies to any celebs who mis-read that, as well.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Just think of all the search engines that have trawled through the headers of this page, looking for hott sexx, cheese fondu, John Cleese, or the Avengers.
Doesn't it make you feel slightly dirty?
[If you found this page while searching for any of the preceding, you don't have to answer.]

Cancer June 21 - July 22
With alarming frequency, bats, and other nocturnal animals begin hanging out in your kitchen during the daylight hours.
It could have something to do with the café down the street closing down. Or it could have something to do with the stalactite-like wind chimes you've recently put up.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You Pisces, you. Perhaps my personal favourite of all the signs, Pisceians like swimming, thrashing about in the water, and aquatic sports.
A penchant for feal circuses is also exhibited in most Pisceians, but not all.

Aries March 21 - April 19
It's been a while since I've said this, but again, it always happens here. I get down to Aries, and all of a sudden it hits me how bloody many horoscopes there are to write. And it's all your fault.
That being said, you'll have a wonderful week, probably some incident with balloons.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't you feel like a cheeseburger right about now? I think you do, it's in your stars.
And, while you're up and going to get it, would you mind getting me a milk shake? Chocolate would be great, cheers.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
And on the eighth day, He kicked back, and yea, did a little lackey come runningeth up to He, and saith, "Oh Lord, is there anything else, thou wishest?"
And saith He, "No, I'm all set, thanks. Oh, wait. Oh, no, what did I putteth that there for?" and he removeth the Scorpio from the Earth, and then did the horoscope-writers raise up a great cheer.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Crisps do not make it any easier to type. Or, rather, they do, but not what you'd initially intended to write. In that way, crisps are good for automagic writing, but not so good for plain old regular writing. Use this advice/experience wisely.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You get a chance to use a 007 chat-up line this week. However, it's just to the mirror, before a party you'll attend, fail utterly to make any sort of headway or conversation with anyone at all, trundle home around 9 o'clock from, where you'll crash out on the floor and spend the rest of the evening trying to determine if that spot is part of the pattern of the lino, or if it's a spot of dirt.

[Horoscopes. mcsweeneys. worth reading. sort of.]