Taurus April 20 - May 20
It's a non-adjectively qualifiable week for you!
Save your receipts.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Truth is Beauty, but Beauty is not necessarily Truth. Beauty is sometimes quite cranky.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A band of sea-faring Phoenecians won't have much to do with your week this week. It has nothing to do with you, they just don't get out much any more, and when they do they tend to have quite a lot to do without stopping by for visits.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you're the person across the way, please pull down your shades. Now.
If you're a celebrity you need to eat more fibre.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Those yellow sticky notes are the bane of your existence. You always feel embarassed when everyone else assumes you can just operate them without major problems.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
The stars have much in store for you, but nothing in your size. And probably at considerably marked up prices.
Which is why the ancient Romans gave up on star-worship and began building more roads. Oh sure, seems unconnected, but the Romans never claimed to have invented Logic. That was the Belgians.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Tissue paper, what is it good for? It's too thin to write on, if you try to hold a small chippy in it the whole thing will crumble, and it makes a ridiculous crinkling noise. That's no good to us.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Big things will happen this week. Like real big things.
That being said, I'm in a lying sort of mood this week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Hemoglobin is just one of those fun biological things to say, you know?
All the more reason to get into biology. Or at least into it enough to know the words, but not what they mean.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No horoscope.
That being said, err.. oh, right, I can stop there, 'cuz you've got no horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Pineapple and grapefruit crush sounds like a lovely thing to have, until you're faced with the prospect of actually talking to them, and then it all falls apart.
It will be a relatively confusing week, moreso if you have only passing knowledge of Einstein's theories of chocolate cake.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Red-faced. Not many people know it, but that expression comes from the days when people used to eat a lot more raspberries. Then came the great raspberry shortage of 1340, and we began to lose sight of the real meaning of the expression.

[Horoscopes. this site looks fantastic in Mozilla. go get it and see for yourself.]