Taurus April 20 - May 20
Crazy wall walking octupi will invade your week!
What this means for your glass surfaces around the flat is that they'll be covered in that lovely slimey residue the Wall walkers are noted for leaving behind.
Mmmm.... slimey.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You find you're not quite Tony Cochrane this week.
Unless you are Tony Cochrane, in which case you still feel vaguely not yourself this week. A high-energy drink, combined with a couple spoonfuls of sugar (brown or white), will hopefully put you right, or at least in a lot more bouncey mind-frame.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Those who wish they had a disgusting amount of money have obviously never seen 7 quid with pea pudding in it's mouth. Not pretty.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Turkey on Christmas Day has to be your favourite meal in the world. If not, please just pretend.
Because it'll give you ample opporunity this week to pat your stomach and make Mmm mmm-ing noises and just fit in, overall. And who can't do with a good stomach pat and fitting in?
If you're a celebrity you find your socks extra-starchy this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The old days were much better, in your opinion, being a typical Capricorn. Therefore, break out the old butter churn and get revivin'!
Not responsible for lost glasses and/or severe gastronomic distress caused by not knowing how to properly churn butter.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Beware any random Lewis Carroll references this week.
Especially any shouts of "Drink Me" coming from kids on skateboards.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
How're those lampshades? Slightly charred from last year?
This year, this week, your lampshades should be recovering nicely, though I wouldn't go switching on and off the lights, just to be safe.
And, owing to the monsters under your bed, I'd be sure to leave the lightswitch on after the last flick with which you feel comfortable.

Aries March 21 - April 19
There are approximately, give or take a few, thirty-eight weeks in a year.
That being said, go out and buy something beginning with the letter 'Z', and try to work your way through the alphabet before the year runs out. This is what Einstein meant by "hyperspatial shopping."

Libra September 23 - October 22
Comets are headed towards the Earth!! Ah!
However, no one else believes you, as they surely would have seen something in their horoscope about comets coming towards the Earth if there really were some.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Fantastic Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Small Dogs convenes this week to decide, once and for the next three weeks, the Fate of Scorpios everywhere.
There is talk of a trial week or two of horoscopes, though it's probably just the Board cruelly taunting all of you.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The laundry detergent you buy this week based on the advert that promises whiter clothes, sharper colours, and that you'll meet the Love of your Life at the laundromat actually works!
Except that it turned your clothes a uniform shade of brown and, when spilled on the laundry cart, melted one side clean away. But other than that they weren't too far off.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A week of two cities, that's what I always say. Especially when you're stuck shuttling between two cities. Generally with a Italo Calvino novel, and then you know where your brain is going to be afterward.

[Horoscopes. there are a great many people out there exactly unlike you.]