Taurus April 20 - May 20
Pink chiffon is your colour of the week this week, which will mean you finally get to crack out those mariachi pants you've been hiding in the closet, waiting to re-use after that one drunken night in someplace that strongly resembled Mexico, though it could have just as easily been Turkey.
Saturn, in your First House of Love, knows all about that.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Lots and lots of stars will see fit to ignore you this week, as they've got carnival in towne, and are too busy sliding down a giant slide in burlap sacks to pay you any mind.
It's incredibly hard for stars to sit in burlap bags without the bags burning up.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you're eating spaghetti in front of the computer, there's a good chance you think this horoscopes says something entirely different than it does. I have that trouble with spaghetti, too, though it usually all ends up on my shirt, rather than my monitor.
At any rate, this horoscope really says that you should expect a week of mountain goats and little Eastern European mountain children and not anything spaghetti-sauce impaired.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Do not take it lying down if someone calls you a fool. If you do object, make sure to sit up, as you're in danger of choking if you start yelling at people while lying down.
If you're a celebrity nothing really special happens to you this week because I say so.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Racing stripes do not stand much of a chance of making your living room go faster, though they do stand a good chance of annoying the hell out of your significant other, unless they have your taste in decor, in which case, good luck to you both.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Sushi will occupy a good deal of your thoughts this week, possibly because of the vicious sushi attack you heard about on the New York subway system, in which at least twenty-five people faced the wrath of a bunch of sushi.
This makes it very difficult to participate in normal banter amongst the people you normally banter with this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Hum a sweet little ditty this week, and you're bound to run into someone who objects to it. If you do, and you notice either because they wince as you pass by, or they throw something at you and scream for you to stop, stand absolutely still, and hum by their ear.
They'll learn to like it over Time, you'll find. Or not, and they'll do something horrible to you. One of the two.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your main focus this week is looking pretty.
Don't do anything else, just work on looking pretty. Keep this horoscope pinned to your desk, and patiently point out to anyone who might want you to work that you can't, you're busy.

Libra September 23 - October 22
This horoscope is remarkably exclamation-free this week, as well as VAT-free.
Not to alarm you, but next week might not be so. Thus spake Star Number 167886.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Hey hey hey, well lookee here.
Or don't, because there's not much likely to happen.
So, I guess, this is like one of those "Watch This Space" spaces, only without the first bit about watching.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Japanese pop will destroy your mind.
So saith the horoscope writer after getting through the vast majority of this week's scopes on one long bloody song.
Arnie the Barber treats you to the special lollipops this week, the ones he keeps covered and away from the hair clippings. This is partly due to Neptune's influence, threatening him if you got one more of those hairy lollipops he normally hands out.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There are too many hours in the week, you find. Because you spent the vast majority this week counting, and came up with 708. This could be either a problem with the space-time continuum, your shoes, or the maths courses you completely didn't take at University.
Or aliens. Always a good chance of aliens.

[Horoscopes. thanks to the boys at muse for that one.]