Taurus April 20 - May 20
You lose your left leg to a crazed wombat this week.
If you're already missing your left leg due to some previous encounter with an uncommonly angry wombat you're probably going to want to stop frequenting places that irate wombats do as well.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Currency is a funny thing, it is.
If you happen to accidentally keep a banana peel in your wallet, every bit of money you have (in the wallet, of course), will smell like a banana. And clerks give you odd looks when you try to pay with "banana money", as they tend to call it. Just trying to share my lessons from experience.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The lyrics of 95 out of 97 songs on the pop charts make no sense, whatsoever.
Pop music being the voice of the people, you can safely assume that there's no one out there worth talking to, and, if they were, you wouldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Hang the wash out early this week, this little star just popped up in your sign this week, and I have a strong feeling it means you're in for one of those weeks you'll get to the end of and say "Boy, I wish I'd hung out the wash earlier this week."
If you're a celebrity palm fronds and a coffee cake will play a large role in your Wednesday evening dinner party. To which I'm not invited, by the bye.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Ach, you didn't quite support the boys hard enough, didyeh? Robbie Keane'll be by your house to sort you out.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Ever notice how frozen chickens sometimes aren't entirely frozen, and if you poke at them long enough you can make finger-prints in them?
Makes you either question the accuracy of language or want to truly try this experiment out properly, by sitting in a walk in fridge and poking the "frozen" chicken.
And no, thinking about it now, I don't believe that's a euphemism for anything.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
All the bladder references this week probably left you a little uneasy. Probably also fearing for some of the sanemagazine writers' sanity, as it were.
A good rum and coke will probably help ease some of that uneasiness.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Bank holiday!!!! Yeah! Oh, right, 'cept in Ireland, America, and for quite a few workers on the King's Road.
But still! Bank! Holiday! Erm... so be sure to... you know, do the stuff you're supposed to do to observe one of those. I tend to sit very quietly, with a pair of binoculars.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Binoculars always remind me of innoculations, why, I don't know.
Probably something to do with that ancient tribal belief that laughter was the best medicine, and putting shoe polish on binocular eyepieces and watching someone take a look through, only to wind up looking like some creature with black circles around it's eyes was the best joke.
Those, apparently, were quite sad days.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Ne parle tu horoscope.
Ná habair 'horoscope'.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There is no such thing as a basilisk. There is, however, such thing as an obelisk and a babelfish.
Word of advice though, you might want to carry around a mirrored shield and a sword just in case there is such a thing as a basilisk, as apparently they can turn you to stone or something by looking at you. And saying "Oh, I thought you didn't exist," in your best whiney voice probably, I'm guessing, isn't going to help very much keeping you from being turned into stone.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you could run very quickly over to the nearest wall, touch it, run back here, then run to the kitchen and cut up an orange really quickly (minding your fingers, of course, not too quickly), and then run back here again and sit down, you'll barely notice you've gotten a bit of a crap horoscope.
Your supermodel gig in Paris this week is cancelled.

[Horoscopes. this is probably the hardest copy to write every week. such tiny letters.]