Taurus April 20 - May 20
Courage, young one, in the coming week, is what you'll need, as it's an ill fashion wind that blows this week, possibly barring you from certain clubs for the remainder of your natural Life.
Thus Courage is your best bet. Though Courage is no subsitution for clubbing. Unless your Courage is loud, sweaty, and smokey. In which case, go to.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You know how lonely it is at the top, oh yes you do.
However, this week, due to severe termite infestation, your ladder on which you normally sit, on Grosvenor Place Mondays through Thursdays and Queen's Gate from Friday to Sunday, breaks, and you're thrust down amongst the people you're normally at the top of. It's time to explore another as yet untried saying.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
People come in all shapes and sizes, and can be horribly horribly interesting.
However, you will get to meet the three most insufferably boring people on the face of the Earth this week, all in the queue at the local supermarket, during the most unfortunately timed first ever spontaneous explosion of a till. But don't worry, no one's hurt, as, for some reason, when the till explodes jam shoots everywhere. Who knew?

Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is International Listen to Barry Manilow Week, the one week during which you can listen to Barry Manilow and discuss various Barry Manilow-related topics with people and feel unembarrassed. Oh joy of joys!
If you're a celebrity, sticky sticky bun bun.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'd better be quite sure to be supporting the boys this Saturday, or you're getting one horrible horoscope next week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Mounting pressure from the Separatists faction in your apartment building will finally bring you over to their cause, and will require you to set up those barbed wire rolls of things that always look so nasty in war/prison films across your hallway. You, unfortunately, should you not read this first, did so by signing that religious character's book when he stopped by your flat earlier in the week.
Everyone is in on it. Trust no one. Except that man with the eyepatch and only one arm who sits in your lobby, trust him, but only because you're afraid he might take offence if you don't.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Auto insurance has never been truly and honestly a passion of yours, which makes your sudden outburst this week regarding the new laws that make it easier to get auto insurance (vending machine plan no. 46289) disturbing, slightly.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Inspiration is one of those funny things, you know? Some days it's there, like a lion, threatening to chew your leg off, other days it's there like a lemming, more busy jumping off a cliff than interested in your leg at all.
There are toning programmes to make your legs more noticeable, you know.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Wigs are a good deal of fun, and almost as easy to throw as a frisbee (which I think is a registered trademark, so imagine I've marked that as such. I just didn't want to look stupid if it wasn't trademarked and I went and put a symbol on there.).
Grey seems to fly a good deal better than any other colour. Try it out, you'll see what I mean.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Imagine this scenario:
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Me."
"Me who?"
"Oh, right, forget it, no horoscope this week."

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I am willing to wager a fair amount of money that D'Alembert's dream had nothing to do with mathematics. However, I could very well be wrong, he was a bit of a zealot that way.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The word on the street this week is you've upset the Family, and Jimmy the Snake and Walter the Fuzzy Wombat are hot on your tail. Try not to laugh when you meet Walter, he's a bit sensitive, between his nickname and the horribly botched operation on his left ear that left him with a pink fuzzy rabbit slipper in it's place.

[Horoscopes. na na na.]