Taurus April 20 - May 20
Nowhere in his long and illustrious career did Lord Byron say anything about rhinoplasty, which is surprising, because he couldn't seem to keep his big, fat mouth shut on much of anything else.
Start your own feud with a deceased late Romantic period writer, you'll feel that much the better for it. Also, wear the hot pink lipstick this week, it's back in, but only for the week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Venus rising in your second House of Style means Cindy Crawford, noted celebrity and boxmaker, will be stopping by to enquire after her dog. After telling her she must be barmers, as you've never seen her dog, nor do you have the faintest idea where it might be, feel free to criticise her singing.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You have a brilliantly successful week, very incredibly productive and you'll arrive at around Thursday with twelve hundred pages of your new manuscript called Paradise Lost. Browsing your book shelves Thursday afternoon will reveal why you'd thought that title sounded so familiar. This will all be Jupiter's fault, because it's supposed to be in your fourth House of Literary-ness, but was late, because it'd forgotten it's bus pass.
You've now got an impressively hand-written copy of Paradise Lost, though.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
History makes it's thorny presence felt this week, when, to get a raise, your boss asks you to name the primary goals and stipulations of the Treaty of Ghent. For each correct answer, you get one thousand pounds/dollars/francs slapped on to your salary. Pity, if you're French, or otherwise getting paid in francs.
If you're a celebrity, wiggle your left ear if you can hear me. If you can't wiggle your ears then you're quite a poor sort of celebrity, aren't you?

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is your week for action!
For too long known by your friends as "the naff one with the bad haircut," this is your week to dispel those awful, awful rumours about your sex life. Pamphlets and posters should do, though an impromptu speech in a reasonably public place would do you well, too.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Due to a window washer nicking the window (not stealing it, just putting a scratch of some sort on it), you'll either have an encounter with a man dressed in a Goofy suit, offering to take you into the desert, where there's a treasure hidden in a cave which you can only get into by saying the password, and then you only have thirteen minutes to get all the treasure you can before it closes up again, or you're destined to choose strawberry ice cream at the grocer's, but, due to a packaging error, you get chocolate.
One of the two.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Shampoo features heavily in your week this week, if only because you win a sweepstakes (yes, with the requisite "I've never won anything in my Life!" shouting and squealing by you as you rub your hands together and leap up and down) from a shampoo-maker and win, naturally, a car. Because what's the use of having clean hair if you don't have a car to drive it around in? Not much at all, that's what I say.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Do not play with fire this week. Save it for the next.
This week, busy yourself with something else entirely, like, erm, fireworks.
Make a note: Expand your horizons to include things that aren't flame or explosion-based.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A trip to Bray would be just what the doctor ordered, if that's where you lived, and you were being diagnosed by the doctor in, say, Blackrock. Or anywhere else that wasn't Bray, because it'd be a rather daft order for the doctor to give, telling you to go where you already were.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This fine and lovely week (quite probably dandy, too) will linger on like a delightful sort of happy memory. For everyone but Scorpios, that is, who have no horoscope, and suffer yet another week the laughing-stock of the horoscopal world in the darkness of non-horoscope-nessosity, muttering about how much they really rather dislike the Fantastic and Super Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Spatial Relations (Twice Removed).

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Have you ever gotten a green tomatoe from the grocer, gotten home, thrown it in the fridge, come back to it three or four weeks/months later, only to find it wasn't a tomatoe but an apple?
That's always happening to me, and I was just wondering if it happened to anyone else, too.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will fall in Love with a French waitress/waiter this week, who, upon your enquiry after a coffee, grabs your arm, and runs with you out of the restaurant (artfully dodging the other French waitresses/waiters dragging Aquarii out of similar restaurants) and leads you into the exciting world of a double agent waitress/waiter/international spy.
Keeping this in mind, be sure to bring a change of clothes to any restaurant you happen to visit this week, as it's an exciting Life, and there isn't much time to buy new clothes when it's that exciting.

[Horoscopes. ok, so man u won the league, now newcastle's going to win the cup.]