Taurus April 20 - May 20
Dominoes could teach you a lot about Life. Unfortunately, it won't teach you the valuable lesson of separating out whites from colours when you do the wash.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Nimble as chickens may be, they do not make good adventure partners, partly because they're entirely too fickle.
Choose a more reliable adventure partner if you find yourself on a mission to thwart an evil villain.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Like a glass of water, remain tranquil this week and your astrological balance will be just that, balanced.
Do not take your cue from a glass of water which someone happens to be running with, even if they do have their hand over the top.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Tell an unbelievably bold-faced lie this week, and see how many people you can get to believe it. Mercury says so.
If you're a celebrity, sneezing will help clear out those clogged nasal passages.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is your week of Love and Happiness. Oh, wait, sorry, that was last week.
This week you just get to sit around the flat.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
They say spacey people never get far in Life, but I'd bet that if you pretended you were spacey for long enough they'd never expect you to steal their wallet.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
As a Pisces, you should definitely come to London, the self-proclaimed home for Pisces. I believe they're offering biscuits and tea at the door, when you arrive.
Do not look gift horses in the mouth, especially ones with bad breath.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Ah, remember those heady days when it seemed like the horoscope writer had it in for you?
Well, luckily it's not this week, though we heard him grumbling about you again this week...
Libra September 23 - October 22
Cleanly pressed trousers are best this week, for impressing clients, children, and large bodies of water.
Oh boy, did that ever suck.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Jupiter sez "No horoscope for you."
Liza Minelli agrees.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A small misunderstanding between yourself and a streetsweeper about who has the right of way teaches you the invaluable lesson of getting out of the way when an irate streetsweeper rolls his cart at you and begins chasing you with a broom.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Despite all the hectic-icity of the week of those around you, you are an island, a rock. You don't get any commentary from Liza Minelli, though, which always hurts just a little.
[Horoscopes. a kid with that spark.]
