Taurus April 20 - May 20
A chink in the armour of society hath no business in the loo.
So saith a wise man, which is more than enough of a reason for him never ever to come down from the mountain or whichever place he hides out in, because no one wants to hear that rubbish.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you watch someone else's weight this week your own weight will get jealous and either sod off or go to desperate lengths to get your attention. This may not be a good time to go to the theatre.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Go-go boots were, apparently, incredibly difficult to walk in.
Misnomer, or devious plot to confuse the hell out of scholars of the 60s and 70s? You decide. That will be your task for this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
There seems to be a mysterious floating thing in my tea today. Please be careful and observe your food and drink this morning/evening/whenever before ingesting.
If you're a celebrity, ah, just kidding, it seems to have just been a lump of sugar, undissolved. Carry on, then.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
When you look down into the rubbish bin at some point during the week, try and count, without overly crossing the bounds of good taste and decorum, the number of caffeinated beverage cans in there. If there are more than 60, and you happen to live alone with maybe three or four cats you might want to begin putting your Coke on a higher shelf, under lock and key.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Tidal waves, while being severely under-covered by the media in recent years (except, of course, for areas in the Pacific Rim), are inconspicuous by their absence yet again from the news, getting mention only in a horoscope sheet, somewhere buried down on the page just under the Cancer sign.
Werewolves, too, receive astoundingly little press this week. Plan your week accordingly.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Those little straws of paper full of sugar? Bad bad bad idea to have more than eight in a sitting, no matter how good of an idea it may seem in the beginning.
Eat a vegetable this week. Preferably a carrot.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Two weeks in a row of rather naff horoscopes, must be that time of year again, the err... ehmm... bad horoscope time. Sun in Mercury, Aries, all that.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Waaaahhhh!!!!! A good healthy scream therapy session will almost guarantee you a whole lot less friends willing to let you whisper things to them. Especially if the sessions come at completely random intervals.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No horoscope. At all. Not even a little.
Just out for chutes and ladders. And that's a tip, not a horoscope or prediction of any sort.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Quebecoise will try to steal your shoelaces this week. When asked why, after their failed attempt they will be mysteriously reticent.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Smallish types of green fuzzy things will more than likely discourage people from talking to you. Especially if they're stuck on the back of your shirt. And have sharp, dripping fangs.
That'll do it.
[Horoscopes. tiddly-winks and coffee cakes.]
