Taurus April 20 - May 20
A sheepdog will be involved in your week.
Don't ask how, or you're bound to be disappointed.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Esoteric will be your particular buzzword this week, nine points for using it to describe your boss, eleven for using it to describe them to their face.
None for kicking your boss. We don't recommend doing that.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You either, please refrain from kicking your boss this week.
A package of gerbils arriving at your door this week may or may not confuse you, depending how often you receive gerbils by messenger.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Yellow pages are quite a nice thing to have about the house, especially if you're having guests over and can't bear going out and buying wallpaper.
If you're a celebrity, toodleloo, thanks for the flowers.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Jonathan Swift was right, your hair did look better the other way.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Visitors to this planet from other planets may have a difficult time with your choice of wardrobe this week, so please make a special effort to steer clear of any space aliens this week.
Also, you notice an increase in the number of pigeons living on your roof this week. This may mean you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Hooray for springtime!
Rattle all the rubbish bins on your street when you leave for work in the morning to let everyone else know how happy you are it's spring.
If you aren't happy it's spring tip the rubbish bins over to let everyone know how much you can annoy them if you really try.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Bloop, bloop.
If you like peaches this will be a good week. Otherwise, think about relocating to Madagascar, where they've outlawed peaches on grounds of treason.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Tailor-made suits do not mean you get free chalk, or so I've found out.
Learn this lesson well, and no one will get hurt.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Psst... hey, kid, need a horoscope? Want a horoscope? I got 'em cheap, what sign you want?
Scorpio?
Oh, sorry, none of those. Want a cookie, instead?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Breakneck speeds, you might be surprised, don't actually break people's necks. It's generally boards, placed a couple of metres off the ground, right about the area you might be riding a bicycle or motorbike through.
The more you know...
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Surprisingly quiet this week, surprisingly normal. Surprising.
Except for the talking cow, that might be a bit odd. Surprising, sure, but odd.
[Horoscopes. fizzle fizzle stardust moonshine.]
