Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have a groovy kind of week, more likely than not, according to Mars in your sign, in some way connected to Phil Collins, or a reasonable fascimile. David Beckham says hello.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Following an ingestion of what people call "too much chocolate" this weekend past, you spend the week either in throes of ecstacy (see Wilheim and Schuman and Smith, Scientific Guadalupean, June 1998, pages 4 - 5) or in tremendous gastronomic pain.
Only you can tell whether it was worth it or not.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Ever wonder how all that dirt gets under fingernails, causing no end of embarrassing public situations?
It's called the Fingernail Dirt Fairy, and she comes in the night, and if your fingernails are clean she leaves a pile of dirt under them, and nicks something off your nightstand. If your fingernails are already dirty she just leaves quietly the way she came, through the window.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Time and Space conspire against you this week, planning to turn all your socks inside out and stain all your white t-shirts either pink or grey, depending on their mood.
And this is why no one likes them. It's best to sigh and bear it, and then break all the clocks in your flat.
If you're a celebrity, and yes, Mr. Baldwin, I'm talking to you, you will not steal other people's parking spaces at the lesser known award shows.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Beware befriending overly litigous-minded people, as you know who's going to get it if things turn out wrongly.
Also, your pants are on fire.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You thrill me, and all the other eight hundred seventy-six billion or so on the planet.
Toenails, I've sussed, are just here to give evil villains something to pull off if they want to torture you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Being a Pisces, this probably means you're the wackiest person alive.
Along with the eighty-five billion or so of you. Except for one notable exception living near the Suez Canal, who's actually normal to the point of horribly boring. Which wouldn't normally be notable at all, but, here you have it, the silly turns of Fate.
Aries March 21 - April 19
I hope you have a deliriously fine week, and, with West Ham in your Third House of Fine-in-non-ity, I don't think there's much worry of that happening.
There have been known incidents of speckled hens and riots with West Ham dallying in the Third House of Fine-in-non-ity, but with a little luck, and some basil sprinkled near the door, you'll be all right.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Borrowing our own age-old (now) advice, start up a pop band this week, it's always an entertaining and profitable way to pass a week.
Oh, which reminds me, I borrowed someone's pen last week and forgot to give it back.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
We enter week 80 or so of the Scorpios picketing outside q.i. productions Merrion Square offices, home to the notorious sanemagazine crew, of early 80s Bon Jovi fame, and catalyst in the Treaty of Westphalia.
Still no sign of the horoscope, and rumours have been bumping merrily along that the staff of writers, editors, masseuse (which I believe is the plural, though you never know, as how often is it, really, that you're lucky enough to be talking, or associating with, more than one masseuse? I'm guessing not very often.), designers, and janitorial staff are holding it hostage, teasing it, chucking it under the chin every once in a while.
But still no sign of it whatsoever.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you could take time out this week to appreciate the effect architecture has had on people and cartoon character alike, and how much more the Gothic revival style must hurt than, say, Post-Modern Plasticine design, if a chunk of either were to suddenly drop on either your foot or some other portion of your body, I'd appreciate hearing the results, just so I know which buildings to walk by on the way to work.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Apricots in your Second House of Love mean either you'll have some sort of illicit affair with a character from Strawberry Shortcake or someone from the cast of 'Friends'.
Have mercy on your soul.
The alternative is to run away. Far away.
[Horoscopes. help is on the way! don't you worry!]
