Taurus April 20 - May 20
Ah, those heady days of summer, when the men were men and women were Irish. Or not Irish but a certain breed of Swedish and Leichtensteinian. Ah, those were the days.
Except when it was raining, then those days absolutely sucked, if you know what I mean, and of course you do.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Begob, isn't that a nice sweater?
Yes, 'tis, and if Life were fair, you'd be the one wearing it, but Life isn't entirely, so you're stuck wearing an off-green t-shirt and a denim jacket. Ah well.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Yes, I was referring to the now world-famous ironing article, as you know.
A giant fish barn will be the focus of your week. If you suss what a fish barn is, exaclty, let alone a giant one, please let us know, as these are just the stars talking, we're the messenger.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Woobly-dee-hoo! Vegetables are the centre of your week, refusing to be displaced by fake flowers or little wooden figures from the kitchen table. If you either don't like vegetables or don't like them being the centre of your week, try sitting around the coffe table, which vegetables won't expect at all.
If you're a celebrity Life will be quite calm this week. Barring any run-ins with pirahnas, then Life will not be quite so calm as you might have hoped..
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Jam and jelly will be a very important topic for you this week, especially concerning the differences between the two, and how each may be used in different manners/pleasures. If you come out on the jam side you may visit the sanemagazine compound in the south of France in three weeks for our annual jam party.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I really don't know why I write these horoscopes every week.
Or, rather, I do, but even with that reason, I still don't understand just why.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Colour me silly! Or purple, either one.
But if you colour me silly I'll be slightly less happy than before, as it's more difficult to get purple out than it is to get silly out.
Aries March 21 - April 19
And this week, this fine week, with some gorgeous sunshine slammed in between two or three reasonably fine days, a couple of stretches in the pub or café or so, an egg and tomato sandwich on a baguette, is brought to you by the fine folks at Stella Artois, who deserve more credit, probably for a fine enough beer, than they do do for their suitably suitable name. Stella, indeed. Esther Johnson, we miss you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Who ever knows what time the reaper doth come?
Besides, that is, the reaper's PA, as she probably also has got his massage appointments down, after a hard day of collecting, as they call it, pedicure things, meetings, and various other personal affects.
No one, that's who. Except maybe the reaper's mum.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Ahh! You finally have a horoscope this week!
Oh, wait, no you don't. For some reason, I thought it was Opposite Day. But it's not. So you don't. Still. Doesn't that just suck?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Warble is the sound a fig makes, falling in the forest, but that's only because no one cares tremendously what happens to a fig, and there's a lot less philosophical discussion taking place.
It's tough being a fig, don't you know?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Linda Carter plays a huge role in your Life this week, probably making an appearance at your birthday party, which is quite out-of-season. But hey, Linda Carter.
[Horoscopes. wraw wraw wrannnnnng. the sound of love in the afternoon. err...]
