Taurus April 20 - May 20
Ok, how much do I love chocolate?
Quite a lot, I must say. Which would surprise you, being a Taurus, and quite moderate when it comes to expressing your feelings regarding chocolate. Let loose this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Eighteen handmaidens will find themselves at your door, though you won't find them until they've made it as far as your pantry.
At which point you'll probably have to shout, "Either you knit something now or I throw yez all out on yer ear!"
They may say something to the effect of being handmaidens, not seamstresses, and things may get a bit awkwardly quiet afterwards, but isn't that how it usually goes?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Ironing, as you have written extensively about elsewhere, is not entirely bad. It may be quite soothing, in fact.
You may, should you dare, wish to tame the wild beast with that instead of music, which would invariably turn out in your favour, as if the beast weren't into being soothed by the iron you could always burn it, which is more than you can say for music.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Did you like how we slyly slipped small intestines into your horoscope last week?
Well, this week the only major organ to make it into your horoscope is the kidney, and that's only because you eat a remarkable amount of kidney pie this week.
If you're a celebrity people from Disney offer to buy your teeth when you die, for auction purposes only, and seem to be wielding an unfriendly amount of firearms.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
These days you can't trust much what the television people say.
In fact, you're better off believing the opposite of what they say, especially on the Big Breakfast, when they all dress in blue, and have some terrible band on, also dressed in blue.
Never trust anyone in blue on the television, I always say, unless I'm too busy to comment on it.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Love is in your eyes this week, so I don't recommend going to the eye doctor's, as they're bound to tell you need glasses, when all you've got is Love in your eyes.
I also don't recommend going to the dentist, but that's because I have a moral problem with dentists.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
AH!!!
That's what you'd be saying if you play the numbers 10-7-30-98-14-65-89-110011-3 in this week's lottery, because you'd realise you'd have picked entirely too many numbers.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week's horos (as we like to call them, occasionally) are brought to you by the good folks at Guinness, the other good folks at Beamish, a couple of blokes at some champagne-making place, another guy at Beamish, and a couple of mad Tottenham fans. Which we are not, but good go, anyway, guys.
You will have a geriatric week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Cows are quite nice. They sometimes may be quite boorish (adjectively wrong though that may be), but we hear nothing, mostly, but good things about them.
Their dinner parties, however, leave something to be desired, as cud does not look attractive on a serving dish of any sort.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Feeling horoscopally frustrated?
I would, too, after seventy-eight of these bloody things.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Heebilly-jibbles!
That is the sound of a tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear.
Ridiculous? You would be too, if you thought no one else was around to hear you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
What a weird, wacky Life you lead. Weird, wacky, and all that, and still you seem to have an incredible amount of wrinkles in your trousers.
I can't tell you how happy I am to be back, writing completely either off the top of my head or somewhere suitably close to it. I believe this one comes straight off my left eyebrow.
[Horoscopes. chicky cheeky boom boom, i've got ironed shirts.]
