Taurus April 20 - May 20
Bubbles.
That advice about washing behind your ears is quite good, in fact, as a magician tries to pull a quarter from behind your ear and finds a ten pound note.
In the ensuing dispute about who owns the note (finders keepers, &c., &c.), a small poodle, a taco, and three Hungarian geologists tumble out from behind your ear as well.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Fish and chips is truly the food of the gods, if the gods happen to own stock in grease companies.
And if music be the fruit of the gods, then you probably don't want what they're having, anyway.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Bongos make excellent dinner conversation pieces.
The best method is to sit cross-legged on the floor with the bongo either resting between your legs or on your lap, so you can use it as a plate when you'd rather not converse any longer, so you can just shrug, point at the food now occupying the top of the bongo and give a knowing look.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Taking your own destiny well-in-hand, you're going to need a good pair of gloves, a pair that won't make your hands sweat and become all digusting when you go to shake some reasonably attractive person's hand, only to injure them when your hand slides right out of theirs and pokes them either in the ribcage or in the small intestine, which is actually quite a big target, despite the name.
If you're a celebrity you shouldn't use forks against any odds this week. Las Vegas has you at 2-1.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Warbling is a terribly underrated skill, not many people can hold a good warble for minutes on end, let alone hours. And we're not talking about warbling hobbiests, either. We mean professionals.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Plan ahead.
Never put off today what you can have legally enclosed in a box and shipped off to Mexico with one hundred and eighteen army ants, I always say.
Or not always, but you know what I mean.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Chiffon sounds unbearably pleasant this week.
Swish swish swish swish is then the sound of something unbearably pleasant.
Good thing it's not the old days, when everyone had to wear chain mail. (no, not the daft things you get in your inbox regarding luck or angels or leprechauns)
Aries March 21 - April 19
Tarts are a many and wondrous thing. A special thing, or things, if you have more than one.
If you have more than one may you have a fantastic week, but, then, isn't that already taken care of?
Libra September 23 - October 22
Moo, moo, is the sound of progress, and not, as you may have heard, something else.
Ninety percent of allusions and subliminal messages are either directed towards cows or about their sleeping habits.
The more you know.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No horoscope. Stop.
Must eat last of meat pie. Stop.
Take train to Picaddily, meet me in rubbish bin on left. Stop.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Of all the people in the world, you had to throw a bucket of fried chicken on Rupert Murdoch.
The bit about you trying to explain how you thought he was on fire, you thought the bucket of chicken was in fact full of water, and that you also were under the impression that tomatoes are a vegetable does not go over well.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Right here, right now, or three minutes from when you read this, approximately in the same spot, though you may have moved a little in the interim, you will be attacked by the rabid, screaming fans from the opening credits of A Hard Day's Night, all of whom have been forced to roam the planet as rabid, screaming fans since the movie ended.
This, it will turn out, does tremendous things for your social life. Pity about your shirt being torn and your elbow being scraped from when you hit the pavement and were stepped upon for a bit by a bunch of the more zealous ones.
[Horoscopes. dedicated to someone for something, i'm sure, somewhere.]
