Taurus April 20 - May 20
Soap. Word.
Your old lover returns from getting milk! However, there's a large week of silence after everyone's ushered inside the house, and Guiseppe and your old lover square off.
Shiela keeps eyeing your old lover and stroking Guiseppe's mildly decomposing arm. The Russian family next door lobs biscuits at your roof day and night this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Hope that wrestle with the lion last week went off well, because this week you're off to the races, literally. Or maybe not literally, but that other option... metaphorically.
Or no, rather, sorry, I meant literally, you'll be running quite a bit this week. Literally.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You find yourself (yes, that handy every journey beginning with niggling little, very very boring steps is gone, as you've the sense not to play along when it gets painfully tedious) playing lead guitar with Blur this week, not a bad week, they've got that number one song and all. Not bad.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
After all those horsemen trying, unsuccessfully, to pull you from the tele last week, you're now stuck making tea and cakes for the buggers. And guess what, five of them don't like Earl Grey, Ceylon, Mrs. Tucker's Apple Cinnammon flavour, or any of the other kinds you have in house, so you have to make a trip to the store. You can never ever please horsemen.
If you're a celebrity you will have some sort of apple crisp you really enjoy and make a big show of asking the waiter for the recipe. You go.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Blippity-blop-blop-bleu, doo dee doo, hmm hmmm, hmm hm, sabbidy, sippidy, hmm.
Rinse, repeat, and erm... yep.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Plan ahead.
By Friday you figure to be very tired and sick of work, so if you can pay off some reliable arsonist you won't experience that drained feeling you sometimes feel towards the end of the week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your application for planethood has been approved, we now have an additional seven hundred million planets, the vast majority of them still Earthbound, which is kind of lazy, not doing the whole orbiting thing for yourself.
On behalf of Earth, we're going to start charging extra for doing your orbiting for you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Last week's horoscope was not, in any way, directed against either the country or occupants of the fine country of Turkey.
Nor were Aries being called turnkeys.
A small tart was viciously devoured by the horoscope writer in the course of the week, but that has nothing to do with you. Really.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The stars are in your favour this week, but not so's you'd notice.
It seems a few of the less mature stars have taken a fancy to you and are still at that phase where they'll hit you to show you they like you. Getting hit by a star is no pleasant thing, you find.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Big NEWS!
The Board of Superfantastic Horoscopal Integrity and Ham and Cheese Toasties held a press conference in which they announced they've signed Alan Shearer away from Newcastle for their football club! Oh, right, and that Scorpios still don't have a horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Brief respite from the lettuce and noises in the night as it goes on holiday to Leeds, saying it's never been, and given the fact that Leeds has the lowest percentage of vegetarians anywhere on the planet, a good place to be for lettuce.
It also appears to have taken it's mysterious friends from the fridge.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
So that bit about Hell hathing no fury like a woman's scorn?
It's a lie. Though Hell hath no black dress like a woman, and therefore loses out in a big way.
[Horoscopes. will the person driving a black Mini please report to the car park, you've left your lights on.]
