Taurus April 20 - May 20
Soap, soap, soap.
Guiseppe tracks mud all over your nice clean floors, which had just been cleaned in anticipation of your long lost lover returning with the milk. Not only that, he smells particularly bad, and it's not just because he's dead. He's apparently switched to this new deodorant that's supposed to smell like leather but in fact resembles tar much more closely.
Shiela, your nemesis and long-time bridge partner, comes over, obviously planning something vile because she's carrying a little cassette player playing some brooding music.
Leo July 23 - August 22
To cure what ails you, take a trip, go on a safari, wrestle a lion.
One piece of advice I might give you based on personal experience, don't ever take your eye off the left paw, no matter how much wiggling the lion may do with the right one.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Sparkly purple will be your colour this week, so wear it with shimmering pride.
If you find people cracking a lot of grape jokes tell them that the grape is one of the most revered of the tiny fruits.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Twenty-four rabid horsemen, that's what it'll take to drag you away from the tele this week. Funnily enough, twenty-five rabid horsemen won't, as you'll see when one overzealous passerby joins in.
If you're a celebrity you better clean those windows this week like I asked you to last week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Remember that saying "Horse of the dog that bit you"?
Well, don't you know it this fine morning!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
What would Life be without chips?
Well, little known fact, the entire substrata of dirt beneath your very feet would collapse, because, until chips and other potato related products disappeared they'd been holding the entire Earth together. So be careful what you wish for.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
So you're sitting there, being a Pisces and such, just sitting there, minding your own business.
Nice.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Turkey is a highly over-rated bird. Not only was it championed by that tosser Ben Franklin, it always gets the nicest food dish at the zoo.
Sometimes Life just isn't very fair at all, you know?
Libra September 23 - October 22
Ok, still got your health well in hand this week, which is good, because there's a rumour that you can get big money for that kind of stuff.
We advise, based on the stars, eating a good deal of chocolate and oregano. The oregano you can blame on that star over in the corner of the sky, reading a book.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So, all right. This is pretty impressive, if you think about it, our resolve, and the resolve of the International Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Crepes, that you still don't have a horoscope. Either that or it's just bureaucracy.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You have trouble sleeping, as the lettuce is quite chatty, and your fears of other animated vegetables roaming the house grow daily. You even suspect the lettuce is so chatty in an attempt to distract you from listening too closely to the sounds that have just recently been going 'bump', 'rattle', and 'pertoosh' in the night. It's probably the 'pertoosh' that has you most worried.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If, indeed, last week it turned out to be a perfect world, we recommend spending a good deal more time near the shredder, learning how to use it, it's safety precautions, and proper treatment of papers destined for it's shredding bowels.
Or do that anyway, even if it isn't a perfect world, as everyone loves the shredder.
[Horoscopes. c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, yeah, yeah, yeah.]
