Taurus April 20 - May 20
Life is a soap opera, drink it up.
With your long lost lover heading back from wherever it is they'd gotten, with milk, you would be having a delightful week of sweet anticipation and hope for one of those big reconcile scenes next week.
However, just as you begin your week of delightful anticipation there is a knock at your door, and then a few short rings of the buzzer, finally knocking again, and, when you get to the door, not a little annoyed, you open it up to find Guiseppe's risen from the dead, and is still just as impatient as when he was alive.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You fall into an alternate reality this week, in which Vanilla Ice is popular again, books aren't written on paper but on computers and are all hyperlinked, and the 3D rendering of the shirt you were wearing when you slipped into the alternate reality makes you look very very thin, if a bit block-ish.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
One more step this week, as last week found you with the pleasant, but non-moving interlude of the special horoscope sheet.
What a journey, woo! Excitement galore!
Friends and neighbours begin giving you weird looks for standing two steps outside your door.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Venus in your First House of Advanced Trigonometric Functions, so pull out those calculators!
Beware, as always, using the compass and protractor, as we don't want any injuries like the last time.
If you're a celebrity you get to pass Go, collect £200, and dry out in the clinic for a bit.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There will be a horoscope sign field trip this week for all Capricorns, though it will involve nary a field, and in fact be to the Natural Museum of History on Cromwell Road. We will be serving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at noon, but you must bring your own drink box.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Chichimanga is just something fun to say that I've found passes the week quite quickly.
It also gets you all the babes. So use it wisely.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Civilised company, you will note, rarely ever, except on special occasions, and birthday parties, and once every so often on a weekday, though not generally if it's raining, ehm... do something. I forget. Besides, I don't quite have civilised company hanging about to let me observe them for verity and such.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Take some time to get to know your neighbours this week.
This can be done quite effectively by banging on the pipes, or knocking on the ceiling, as the old song goes, and wait for them to come running down to break your door down for waking them up at two in the morning.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You don't have tea, owing to the kettle having been stolen, but you do have your health.
The comfort of this saying is completely lost on you when tea time runs by and you're stuck boiling your water in a pot, with all the accompanying hassle of accidentally glancing over at the pot just as it's about to boil and having it cool completely off on you time and time again.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
"Got no horoscope, and I'm down, down, down," I believe, was a huge blues hit back in the thirties. Times they are a-changin', but they're also so so much like they used to be.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You need to go furniture shopping to get the recently animated head of lettuce a nice bed (heh heh heh, notice how we left that one mostly alone, of a sort), and a wardrobe. It's smell hasn't improved much, but you're also beginning to suspect the other items that the lettuce hinted had been animated as well may be contributing.
A cursory check under the sofa reveals nothing, but you have the strange feeling, on your knees in front of the sofa, holding up the apron and peering underneath, that you're being watched.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
In a perfect world, you would have a doughnut in your hand right now.
If you do happen to have a doughnut or reasonable fascimile in your hand at this time, please proceed directly to your address book, where I assume you will have either David Beckham or Meg Ryan's phone number (depending on your preference), and they will be free this Saturday evening.
[Horoscopes. seventy three. seventy three. ouch. oh, wait, no, seventy four. ouch again.]
