Taurus April 20 - May 20
Soap-tacular!
That odd little Russian girl with the pigtails next door won't stop staring at you, just staring and staring and staring. This is even after you've gone over for tea and then left. She just sits on the porch of the former estate of Guiseppe and stares at you. It's rather disconcerting, let me tell you.
The boy, after your initial fears about him, seems harmless enough, but for his habit of burning things with a magnifying glass. You stay clear of both of them, to be safe, relatively. You get a package from the mysterious East.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Three cheers for Leos!
Ok, ok, close enough. You've always been brilliant at mathematics, and the other occult sciences, so put your talents to use, and run away to join the circus. Intrigue, unicorns that look like goats, what more could you want!
You have a strange impulse to send out lots and lots of packages this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Virgos, with Pluto crowding their third house of Personal Space, can be forgiven for trying to kill almost any major service-related employee, up to and especially including phone operators.
There will be a black car and a suitcase full of money in your future.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be sure to put the clothes out early this week, as it looks like rain. Which bodes well, if you plan on throwing anybody out of your house, and want that dramatic effect of all their clothes splashing down into the puddles on the sidewalk.
If you're a celebrity you've got game, or are game, or something. Any which way it'll all turn out favourable for you, as it always does, because you're a celebrity.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
So you've managed to convince the police that the gun you were carrying through the market was only because you'd just had a duel, and weren't intending mischief with it, honest, and anyway the policeman you get seems to be rather impressed by it, and secretly wished he could stroll down the street twirling a pistol.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Duck!
If you failed to duck you no longer are reading the horoscopes, but more likely than not lying prone, or at least slumped in your chair. If you did duck, well, you know why now, don't you?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Out shopping for fireplaces this week, you run into an old friend, wind up chatting quite a bit, catching up on old news, the old school chums, how much they like what you've done with your hair, how they've lost weight, oh look, isn't that a wrinkle, no, no it isn't, ok, my mistake, well, look at you, you old sod, grey hairs everywhere, cor wha? Yeah, you heard me, why you bastard, come here and say that, and so on.
There are no friends like old friends, as they saying goes.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You escape through the kitchen window, out on to the balcony, and shimmy down a drain pipe, which is just as easy as they make it look on television.
Once in the street, you throw a fearful glance up at your parlour window, and sprint to the nearest taxi, hop in, hop out again, amidst the angered shouts of the prior tenants of the cab, hop into another one, this one with more agreeable other passengers, and get off at the rather trendy club they've gone to. You have a good time.
Libra September 23 - October 22
After the pillow and regular fight, you ask Horace Walpole to leave, now, if he pleases, as he's overstayed his welcome. He tries plying you with stories of how boring James Boswell is, always going on about his syphillis or what-have-you even though he's dead, but it doesn't work this time, and you pack him off in a cab, last seen heading towards that trendy new club down the street. You begin the clean-up and healing process.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Still, shockingly, no response from the Fallow and Tepid Board of Horoscopal Integrity, except that one of the members suggested, after a bit of a long, boring south of France type day renaming themselves the 'Bored of Horoscopal Integrity.' Luckily, he was shouted down.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Confined to your room, due to the possibly misguided kindness of the Yesmenitirkepudlians, you learn that your flat is large enough to swing a cat in, and are just getting around to seeing how many ways you could possibly skin it when the package deliveryman arrives, bearing, what else, packages.
Unfortunately, after he's left and you sit down at the table, you find it's not for you, but for Posterity. The cat has the sense to run out of the room.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Be sure to have a tidy wallet, more important than clean knickers, even, as if you're in an accident, thieves will find your money much more readily. Or, if you like, keep your wallet so tidy that you're not cluttering it up with all those coins and notes.
[Horoscopes. good old form, boyo, right steady on.]
