Taurus April 20 - May 20
The soap saga continues...
The camel writes a rather snide letter from Bath, regaling you with tales of how much fun it's having, thanks to Guiseppe's rather unfunny fake will.The Russian family who gave Guiseppe his fatal case of Cabin Fever moves into his old estate, left vacant, for now, by the camel, and invite you over for tea. You suspect the youngest son has some deep, dark evil secret.
His sister's pigtails also seem slightly awry.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week brings great things for you Leos of the world.
For those of you loosely associated with the world, though not a huge fan of actually participating, or being called upon to answer questions in it, this may be the week you'd like to grudgingly stick around.
Part of the greatness of the week, for a sneak peek, involves a cotton candy truck overturning and crashing through the front window of a trampoline shoppe after midnight on Wednesday, foiling a robbery in progress, all just when the donut shoppe next door is making it's evening purge of that day's stock, but before they've actually been put in the rubbish.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The tea, having exhausted all avenues of exploration, inquisition, and negotiations with humans, decides it'd be better off somewhere warmer, which you, rightfully so, agree is a capital idea, and help it solve the problem it had been having getting an airline ticket for one packet of tea by accompanying it to Saint Thomas. Thinking on your toes, you choose coffee after the meal on the plane.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A good tip for your love life this week, with the Moon in your sign, is to sit on the balcony, and, lo and behold, we're betting it won't be fourteen minutes you're out there and a potential lover will walk by, and that's the moment you'll want to toss a plant and it's accompanying pot over the railing. If it hits, you've got yourself a victim to tend to and foster that nurse-patient syndrome in them, and if it misses, you can invite them up for tea and chat with them about how lucky they were, not to be hit by that falling plant.
If you're a celebrity you'll find, visiting the local book store, that you'd written a book a few years back, and had completely forgotten about it. Of course, when I say "written", I mean you posed for a photograph for the cover and the inside jacket.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Hey, congratulations on surviving that whole duel-to-the-death last week, that grand tradition of shooting at one another in a dignified and well-ordered manner over elbows bumping or someone making someone else look foolish or the milk being chilled improperly.
This week will be quite easier. This is probably due in part to the pistol you keep spinning around your index finger, as a tribute to your victory. Another small part may be, again, the pistol, but this time when it accidentally goes off on one of the market streets on Sunday.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
After last week's bundle of burnin' love, you find yourself getting used to a bit more of a quiet week. A good book, a nice bottle of wine, three video cassettes, a dog, a cat that the dog can be around and not attempt to gut (though, quick tip, violin strings are made from cat gut, or so we're told, if you find your cat incompatible with the dog, and, sadly, gutted), a wicker basket, two or three blankets, a fireplace, properly cared for and guarded from inadvertant falling-into by the usual safety measures, some form of candy, isopropyl alcohol in case of minor scrapes and bruises, and ham make the perfect quiet week. For many.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Forgetting butter research for a second (we find it so hard to talk to you when all you ever talk about is butter this, butter that, hey, try this butter flavour we've tried, no, no, this one, that's not butter, the one on the right, it's good, very smooth, if slightly greasey, popcorn), seven pipers piping (what else?) in your Second House of Superpowers gives you the ability to see through lead this week.
Normal eyesight will be limited while you're busy trying to look through lead, and don't try visiting the alchemists' this weekend.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Msr. Sartre, left over from the séance, in which your sister and her friends had long ago lost interest, is still sitting on your sofa. He offers, in response to your repeated questions, that maybe being is better off left alone, and could you get him a croque monsieur while you're up.
You're out of ham, it turns out, and you need to run down to the store, which is a bit of a relief, getting away from Jean-Paul, as you've come to know him.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Horace Walpole, in a rather surprising turn of events, besides there being a formerly dead guy hanging around your flat, begins smashing lamps and candy dishes.
This, you inform him, is not really altogether acceptable behaviour, and you wish he'd stop. When he breaks your absolute favourite candy dish, you begin punching him repeatedly, which is when he picks up a pillow off the couch, and tries fending you off with it. The pillow holds it's seams, and is a reasonably serviceable deterrent to your flying fists of fury.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
There is no news on that downed train in the South American Gulf, and not a peep from the Joyful Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Fillet of Sole on the Fate of the Scorpio-rific horoscope.
More news after this.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You receive lifetime benefits of Yesmenitirkepool citizenship by your kind gesutre of letting them borrow the use of your phone. This doesn't mean much just yet, as they haven't properly established themselves as a world power just yet, nor do they have any real resources, unless you count pickled eggs, but, when they do, you'll be probably given some real cushy post, as well.
The downside is that you can never enter any of the other EU countries or three of the countries on the north half of that whole American landmass, due to visa and passport issues. They also disallow you to talk to any of your neighbours, for fear they moved there just for the inside scoop on the burgeoning new nation, Yesmenitirkepool.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
That pub did wonders for your constitution.
If you haven't left the pub as of yet, collect two points for quick thinking.
If you have, but have returned before this week's horoscope, collect one.
Collect none for services or goods rendered.
[Horoscopes. giggle if you've got grains.]
