Taurus April 20 - May 20
Still a soap opera. Yep.
With Elisabeth with your non-Italian non-lover Flemish butcher off in the Hebrides, you have a good deal more time to yourself, as well as time enough to confront Guiseppe, and ask him to return the silver locket you'd given him as a charm to ward off the fatal disease he was afraid he'd had, but seems to be over now.
He remains slightly paranoid, but, other than that, he's the same old Guiseppe he ever was. Rain, again, postpones the reading of your great third-uncle Boffo's will.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You owe it yourself this week to eat that extra piece of chocolate cake, you tell yourself.
Your brother tries convincing you that he's calling you on a loan he'd given you when you were seven, so you actually owe him the extra piece, and he's prepared to fight you for it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
An ill wind never bore no one no good, someone once said, which can apply aptly to your situation, if you happen to live in the vicinity of a sewage treatment plant. If you find yourself happily situated away from the aforementioned sewage treatment plants, you really have no cause for complaint, do you?
We advise you not to move near any sewage treatments plants this week, and cancel any plans to do so, even if you'd already made them and had bought drapery.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
I thought, reading last week's horoscope, that you were visited by Swedish bonds, not bands. Which would have been odd. As they're not really known for visiting. Corn is king.
If you're a celebrity re-evaluate your stock portfolio, I think that might be where you put that person's phone number you were looking for, inadvertantly.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
An equally fine week to be alive, you'll pull that off with great aplomb, breathing all over the place, growing three inches, even.
The dull winter rain brings tidings of love and fortune for you. Sharper rain brings a whole lot of staying indoors, for fear of being punctured.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
So who's your favourite, Descartes or Newton?
While I favour Descartes' forward attack, Newton has an incredible goalkeeper whom you're just not going to put anything past. That and gravity, two things in his favour.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will meet a charming biloquist this week, who would be delightfully charming if it weren't for his odd habit of pretending to be speaking from the tree behind you.
He also has entirely too many plants.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The search for being begins this week, because you've put it off long enough now.
After searching the pantry and a bag of crisps (bacon-flavoured, Tayto, of course) in particular, you're just about ready to give up, until it turns out your sister's conjured Jean-Paul Sartre in her silly little séance in the parlour. You're about to tell her to keep it down when you realise, with situation comedy timing, that you might want a word or two with Msr. Sartre.
Libra September 23 - October 22
As the result of a séance gone slightly awry, Horace Walpole escapes past Jean-Paul Sartre, and makes straight-away for your living room.
While you get him some tea and cakes, he begins to tell you a long tale about how terribly boring Christopher Marlowe has become after so many years of endless after-life parties conversations. You offer to harbour him so he doesn't have to go back.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Fantabulous Horoscopal Integrity Brothers and their Flying Kangourou Act spent the week in Leeds, taunting Scorpios, until, reportedly, the authorities were alerted, and the Horoscopal Integrity Board and China Shoppe ran for it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though you may not know and/or realise it, with the amount of wealth they've piled up over the years, as well as the anonymity by being so discreet, Yesmenitirkepool (pronounced 'yesmenitirkepool'), the small island nation in the back room of The Boar's Head, in Worcester, England, is the world's leading exporter of sausages, and third biggest automatocracy.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If I were going to live for infinity I'd probably leave off setting my watch, as do you realise how many times you're going to have to wind that thing?
Quite a few times, let me tell you.
[Horoscopes. a really good source of vitamin c. go ahead, suck on your screen, you see what we mean.]
