Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your life is still a soap opera.
Elisabeth has stolen your Italian lover! But it's okay, as it turns out your Italian lover is not really Italian, nor even a lover, perse. Your erstwhile Italian lover turns out to be a Flemish butcher, though you can't figure out, for the life of you, why you hadn't seen it before.
Guiseppe also does quite well in his weekly poker game, and has second thoughts about his fatal disease, and feels he may pull out of it, after all. The reading of your great third-uncle Boffo's will is postponed until next week because of rain.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Turtles! And lots of 'em!
Or so it would appear, from what we saw from Volitious Mars this week, dipping it's finger into wholesale turtle investments! Apparently, there's going to be a big to-do involving turtles for you on New Year's Eve! [exclamation marks provided by DeustchBank]
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You find yourself walking down quite a lovely week this week, and, depending on the speed of your computer, racing towards all sorts of happiness and nice things. One of which happens to be some sort of independent wealth. Not bad, eh?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Swedish bands make a guest starring appearance in your horoscope and week this week.
Be prepared for lots of blond hair, white teeth, and synthesisers!
If you're a celebrity, you'll find you owe the Swedish singers a good deal of money for ripping them off in your latest film/album/book (though, honestly, who the hell is a celebrity off books?).
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Isn't it a great week to be alive?
Oh, sure it is, and put down that rolling pin.
You'll stumble into some money this week, and have the presence of mind to take hold of it.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Look, I can't help it if my ceiling is false tiles, I'm just saying that it really bothers me, that it would pretend to be something it isn't.
This week will be filled not with duplicity, but it might as well be.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Look out for rain on Wednesday, and a great big yellow orange orb-like thing in the sky on Thursday.
It seems the neighbours have taken up tennis again, and have not improved any over their last attempt, and you find your lawn and airspace littered with hundreds upon hundreds of tennis balls.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Some of you may believe, because of my frequent references to coffee and alcohol, that I'm condoning the use of chemicals and other aids for general enjoyment and betterment of life.
And you would be largely right in your belief. In fact, this horoscope is brought to you courtesy of coffee.
Libra September 23 - October 22
If the woman with the large, large blue-green eyes in my dream happens to be a Libra, would you please report to my office immediately?
If not, and you happen to know her, feel free to pass on the message to her, as I do believe that certain shade of greenish-blue has been outlawed, or at least deemed horribly unfair.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Thus spake the International Board of Hotdog Vendors and Horoscopal Integrity (not affiliated with the International Board of Fables): "Thou Scorpios have not ain horoscope, verily."
Bobby Burns is rumoured to have already brought complaint against them for brazen misuse of poor spelling, so don't you fear.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Those holiday excursions will get you into one tussle after another with the local authorities, as you insist on staying out past the curfew, visiting past visiting hours, and all other sorts of mischief with time-based regulations.
Ah, and you thought the college days of using regular lined paper instead of college rule were heady and daring!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week is a good week to get your life in order, and try and see if you can't get someone to trade for it. You're hoping for a good toaster, one that won't burn your toast or set your house on fire, but you'd settle for a good cinnamon roll.
[Horoscopes. without a doubt, the best horoscopes ever. really.]
