Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your life is a soap opera.
As if to prove this, Elisabeth invites you over for tea, while secretly planning to steal your Italian lover, Rocky. Rocky's brother, Guiseppe, with whom you had a torid love affair a few weeks back, to no one's knowledge except your own and his mother's, has been diagnosed with some vague disease that sounds like he's just made up, and has been given four weeks to live. He has told only you. All just when the will of your great third-uncle Boffo was about to be read, and half the land of the Alsace region to be given to some lucky soul.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week you sleep, perhaps in order to recover from the rather nasty visit of Frisky Pluto and the Lethargic Moon and, later in that week, the three full bottles of rum.
When you wake on Thursday look forward to having to pump the bilge out of the cellar, as it's flooded again.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The brothel is back to being a brothel and not a music hall this week, in preparation for the big holiday season, which, you find, as you spend some time talking in a neighbourly fashion over the fence this week to the President of the brothel (who defeated the Madame by a slim margin in the last elections), is their busiest season of the year. That and national Brothel Week, which also pulls in a good business.
Mangez quelque chose de bon.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will have good fortune with knots this week.
For anyone who's ever just gotten undeniably stuck at trying to untie their shoelaces at the end of the day will know just how fortuitous this week shall be for you.
If you're a celebrity, congratulations on your latest movie/album, as I've heard good things about it, though I'm not about to go out and spend the forty eight dollars it costs to go to the movies here, nor am I going to order the album, as I was honestly just being polite when I said I'd heard good things about it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Forget that nasty blemish this week, and be yourself. You'll find people really like the real you, and not some lavishly made-up version of you.
However, people will probably like you even more if you tell them that you're Alec Guinness or Audrey Hepburn.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Ok, forgetting the false tiles in my Jezebel of a ceiling, your week will shine with the light of a whole bunch of brilliant stars. This will cause you no end of trouble getting some decent sleep.
Still, pretty cheeky, this aluminum masquerading as tile.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Speaking of dragons, you'll not encounter any again this week, making it roughly the one thousandth week in a row that you've not run across any dragons.
Which makes your purchase of dragon-repellant a couple of weeks ago at the market look a little foolish.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Once again, this horoscope comes too far for it's own good down the page.
Maybe it's a clash of sign-types, but I honestly can't help but feel you're doing it now just to be belligerent. Which isn't very nice at all.
You'll find a ransom note for someone's knickers this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
At the big dance this week you'll have an encounter with your old nemesis, who was always stealing your dancing partner for the evening when you were younger/two months ago. You'll finally have it out, in the middle of a huge crowd, chanting your and their name. That is, some people in the crowd will be chanting your name, others will be chanting their name, while still others will be making the most of the opportunity to take their dancing partners behind the curtains. Just to clear things up.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You, sadly, due to the now legendary deliberations of the Slap-Happy and Generally Wacky Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Velcro Zippers, still have no horoscope whatsoever.
They also, as you find this week, have moved their main headquarters for deliberation far from where you'd heard it was, possibly to remain in hiding from irate Scorpios.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Last week having been the last week of your sign (no, no, don't fret, the Board isn't considering revoking your sign, at least, not yet, anyway), try to see if you can't fool people into thinking you actually have an extra week, either added on because you're just such a good sign, or because of some cosmic mix-up, andtry to milk all the extra special treatment you can.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Listen to your fortune cookies this week, as they know what they're talking about. It was a tale of two or three or like seven cities. Things were good, they were bad, and oftentimes you couldn't find your shoes when you wanted to go out.
Try looking under the book shelf.
[Horoscopes. je cherche quelqu'un de belle.]
