Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will likely, with Fortuitous Mars and Swanky Saturn both occupying your second house of Delight and getting on quite well, apparently settling down for drinks on your couch, be the target of a rather comprehensive plot organised by the Belgian government.
It culminates, or so you believe, in the Minister for Reconnoitering and Filthy Deeds for Belgium stopping over your flat with flowers and chocolate on Friday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Frisky Pluto and the Lethargic Moon will combine to make your week, Leo, quite a tension-fraught one. First, Frisky Pluto will want to go see all the museums, while the Lethargic Moon will just want to hang around your flat and not go out, which leads to Pluto yelling that the Moon never wants to do anything anymore, and whinging to you about how impossible the Moon is and can be, until the Moon gets up, yells back at Pluto to "stuff it," and then runs into your room for a cry. You spend the week sitting up on the sofa, as the Moon refuses to come out, and Pluto won't shut up to let you sleep at all.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The people who run the brothel next door take to blasting the William Tell Overture at all hours of the regulation twenty-four hour day.
When you get over there to complain you find that it's not the radio, but that the Brooklyn Philharmonic Orchestra is actually performing at the brothel, which they were able to sponsor with this month's extra cash.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Check your smoke detector batteries this week, as you never know when those things are going to run out.
Oh sure, they start beeping incessantly when the batteries are running low, but who's got the time to notice that each and every time they run low?
If you're a celebrity, cheese spread on white bread and a glass of white wine looks excellent in photo shoots. See my current spread in Cosmopolitan and you'll see what I mean.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Coffee, this week, is the main impetus behind these horoscopes, and not, as we'd been leaning on quite heavily, Carlsberg.
Coffee, as it turns out, does not like being leaned on nearly as much as Carlsberg, and now finds itself all over the floor. Which reminds me why beer is the prefered stimulus for these horoscopes.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
While there aren't tiles in the ceiling (it's some sort of flimsy metal it's made out of, not quite sure which sort, possibly aluminum, or tin foil), there are twenty five squares in it that are supposed to look like tiles.
Not fooling me, though!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Oh happy day!
You'll get to say that at least twice on two separate days this week.
The first time, just to give a hint, will be after you find out the lottery you've won is not, indeed, the one where you get tied to a rock and left for dragons to eat.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Punk-Arse Mercury and it's not quite so merry band of cohorts will invade your third house of Fashion this week, wreaking all sorts of havoc. It's either them or the moths you have to blame for the gaping holes in your best sweater and leather jacket. And, since a moth that can chew through leather must be one tough customer, we recommend blaming Mercury.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Spiffy week it is you'll have, something quite nice and lovely and grand, we hear told.
Of course, grammar seems to have taken a holiday, but that's all right, as long as it's spiffy about it. Just don't try diagramming any sentences this week, is all.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
During a press conference this week at which none of the Grandiose and Huggable Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Club Sandwiches appear, the fate of the Scorpio sign will be hemm-ed and haw-ed over. The main motivation behind the press conference, it is rumoured, is just for the person who presides over the conference to hear what his hemm's and haw's sound like amplified over a room of hundreds of well-fed reporters. Apparently, it was his own personal "tree falling in the forest" puzzle.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Having trouble with Existence? Is Being giving you a tussle for your money?
This is the week to hire a professional wrestler to put it in it's place, wherever that may be. Of course, the wrestler only offers choices of a). the turnbuckle, b). slammed into a canvas mat (provided, of course), or c). on the cold, hard concrete outside the ring.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week, nay today, you are going to take destiny in your hands, pretend to throttle it for a bit, ease up mid-way, smile reassuringly, and then run off to get yourself a soda and packet of crips, metaphorically speaking.
This spake the Ridiculous Jupiter on Sunday this.
[Horoscopes. lovely, all this, lovely, really.]
