Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your life this week resembles the Castle of Otranto, rumoured to be the first Gothic novel ever.
You begin to equate the two, incidentally, when three people outside of your flat are crushed by giant pieces of armour that keep falling from the sky, all at different times during the week, but all before Wednesday. You feel quite good, though, that the knight with the gigantic sabre is on your side. Or at least not trying to kill you, which is close enough.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Swann's way was not all it was cracked up to be, being rather boring, crowded with traffic, and you remember, just as you're getting to where you'd intended to go, that you've forgotten your keys in your house.
Now that you've remembered, you've technically not forgotten them, but the fact remains that your keys are still sitting on the table in the hallway at home.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Few people know this, but A.J. Ayer's rejection of intuitionism eventually led to him not winning the lottery over and over again as he attempted to play logical numbers, and not his father's birthday, coupled with his own, and his favourite number, which was 3.
So go with your gut this week, and you'll more than likely still not win the lottery, but at least you'll not turn out like A.J. Ayer.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Whoa whoa whoa! Scratch that advice about adverbs last week!
We had a conversation with someone who started off with a conjunction, and it turned out to be really fabulous. So the best approach to a scintillating conversation is a conjunction, and not, as we said, an adverb. Verily.
If you're a celebrity I need to get my grey overcoat back from you, as it's been a while since you borrowed it, and have nothing to wear out evenings.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Due to last week's purchase of hair cream (as suggested in these horoscopes), your love life is astoundingly chipper this week. You seem to be getting on so well that you've been walking about the city streets leaping and tapping the soles of your shoes together, and swinging around lampposts.
Of course, spending all your time doing this might seem like the thing that scared off your love life in the first place, but life is strange that way.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Contrary to popular belief, and going against what Gaull thinks in regards to English Romanticism [English Romanticism, The Human Context, Marilyn Gaull, 1988, W.W. Norton & Co.], history is not, indeed, dangerous to the creative mind, and, in fact, it had contributed much time and effort to ensuring the creative mind had a nice warm bath and a good hearty meal whenever it stopped over, even on the shortest of notice. And only once did a creative mind turn up throttled to a grisly death whilst visiting history, and that, we are assured, by accident.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Ever notice how the Sun casts a shade over the Earth as it sets in the west, invariably in the west, every single day, except for the really rainy ones?
Well, it's on the rainy ones, if you're clever enough, that you can catch the Sun slacking off, and just running back around to the east, instead of sinking away like it's supposed to.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week you'll take up lead guitar for Dire Straits.
If you could, record the look on Mark Knopfler's face when you and the other Aries of the world show up at his doorstep, as I always like having a good gag on him.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Time to wake up and rise and shine and all that!
This is your week to bust out and do something creative, though we recommend keeping it simple, and just gluing a bunch of pasta to pasteboard. Gold and silver glitter is always a nice touch, too, we hear.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The super-terrific Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Gene Splicing ordered ham on rye this week, in another thrilling week in the summit to decide the Fate of all Scorpios out there. Apparently, one of the members had a toothpick in his sandwich, and it had red frilly stuff at the end, a piece of which he accidentally ate, but suffered no real harm.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Did you know Ralph Reginald Emerson thought beans were the one perfect food?
Not related at all to the relatively famous American transcendentalist, he was considered absolutely crazy, and lived in a bucket somewhere near the coast of Gibraltar, where he ate corn and rice, and built a small-scale church dedicated to the memory of beans.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I'm still waiting for the Carlsberg people to call me back, but they really should consider sponsoring this horoscope writer, as, if it weren't for them, these horoscopes would be spelled a whole lot better.
Stella got her groove back, and, once you've checked that she hasn't gotten yours by mistake, go find your own. I'd look behind the sink, if I were you.
[Horoscopes. sing it, Keats-y, boyo.]
