Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week, you will find yourself, and the world's twenty-eight million other Tauri, congregated in or relatively close to an old steel mill in Worcester, Massachusetts. There will be great discussion about health care for the masses, tea cakes, and gnashing of teeth, for old times' sake.
In a bizarre coincidence, the world's population of Cancerians will be huddled in or about Carrick-on-Suir, discussing your discussions.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Boo boo be do.
This week will offer all sorts of lovely opportunities to use the phrase on the previous line, some of which may lead you to fame and fortune in scat-singing, which is due for a comeback, just as soon as all the movie-writers are done mining the seventies and eighties.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The letter 'J' (capital version only), having nothing else to do this week, and urged on by the wills of the stars (lots of individual wills for the whole lot of 'em), will pop over for a visit this week.
Be sure to have a plentiful stock of ice cream (chocolate, of course), for this event. Having a good stock also almost guarantees all sorts of fun visitors, completely unrelated to letters and that lot.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Spark up a scintillating conversation with a protein-rich shake this week. The best approach to scintillating conversations is, in our experience, an adverb.
Ok, ok, if you're a celebrity forget that whole bit we did last week with the adding and mathematics what with adding four stone to your weight on Spanish television, as the theorem that we'd been using as the basis for our statement has, just this week, been proven quite horribly wrong, to the dismay of four small children in New York, a dog, and three laboratory mice that were so close to retirement.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Perhaps the age old ritual of offerings to the stars might help your luck with your love life, which seems to have wandered off, bought a 24" television with your credit card, and has spent the last three weeks watching a poor copy of "Gone With The Wind" it'd bought off the street from some guy as he was being cuffed and shoved into the back of a lorry.
Hair cream, we've been told, also may help.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You and twenty million of your closest Cancer buddies find yourselves, oddly enough, in or about Carrick-on-Suir this week, discussing the new tax on thong bikinis.
At the same time, in a shocking coincidence, the entire population of Tauri are hiding out in Worcester, Massachusetts, plotting to overthrow all of you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The return of gnashing of teeth as a pasttime concerns you, and not only for what it means for dental bills.
The disconcerting placement of a 'g' next to an 'n', in that order, feels vaguely unnatural, and wrong.
Aries March 21 - April 19
It's like that Dire Straits song, So Far Away, only instead of being about longing for some loved one who may or may not love you it's just referring to how far down the page this is.
It's also not being sung. Though, if it is, I'd like it sung in D minor, with an accompanying orchestra from some fair-sized city, if it's not any trouble.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Start up that anthropological dig you'd always had your eye on, the one in Tanzania, trying to prove the existence of cantaloupe, right alongside, in loving harmony, with the antelope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If I get punched by one more scorpio I'm going to personally reinstate your horoscopes, and you won't like it one bit, not at all.
So you just watch yourselves.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Well, this is just weird.
Your week will be pleasantly devoid of artichokes, and any such derivative you can imagine, unless you happen to imagine cheesecloth deriving itself from artichokes, because it's not, really. Anyway, things can't derive themselves. So there.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is wonder week for all the Aquarii out there!
This means you'll be fantastic and super and wearing some sort of costume.
Green tights and mask optional.
[Horoscopes. upon the sea, the lovely green and red sea. with purple highlights.]
