Taurus April 20 - May 20
Beware the stare of the wombat!
Because, apparently, new medical knowledge has popped up pertaining to the rather odd situation where, after having been stared at by a wombat, people just suddenly spontaneously combust! There are several arguments arguing that this can't quite be considered spontaneous combustion, as there is a somewhat documented cause, but nothing has been sufficiently proven at this point in time to encourage people to choose one argument in favour of another.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Maggie Thatcher makes a brief visit at your house this week, and, as usual, you weren't quite prepared for this occasion, not having any crumpets whatsoever in the house.
She winds up breaking one of your fine china figurines in the resulting ruckus. This is grounds for revoking the open invitation you'd given her some years ago after she saved your cat from a tree by frightening it down.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
In another brilliant scientific break-through, a group of scientists spent the week (possibly under the influence of a bit of alcohol or illicit substances or perhaps just a bit too much coffee) poking pencils through sheets of plastic wrap, held at either end by other scientists.
This really won't impact your life for quite a few years, when they get the permits to sell the results of the break-through
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Turns out the dead are a whole lot more mellow than you might think, your skewered lover (now to be known as your skewered dead ex-lover, and not to be confused with Danny Glover, despite the similar phonetic thing they've got going on) takes you breaking up with them quite well. So well, in fact, you decide to not mention the thirty pounds you'd taken out of their wallet after you'd skewered them.
If you are a celebrity you will notice that you look frighteningly large in Spanish translations of your movies. That's because in Spain they use heavier cameras, which add four stone to your weight. But only if you're carrying them.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do not make the mistake of buying coffee-flavoured yougurt ever again. When will you learn? It tastes nothing like coffee, gives you no fun caffeine buzz, and is just absolutely disgusting.
It's a good thing we're on a bit of a slow year for natural selection, or you wouldn't have made it, ordering coffee-flavoured yougurt all the time.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your electric bill will be extra-ordinarily high this week, and you suspect someone's pirating your valuable electric resources, and it's more than likely your crazy mad scientist neighbour. As far as you can tell, all he's been doing all week is poking plastic wrap with a pencil, but he's been doing it at all hours, and leaving the lights on the entire time, so you just might have your culprit.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I have a sneaking suspicion there's a bear trap hidden somewhere around your office. This could, if it were to be set off, by a bear or otherwise, cause tremendous problems, as far as concentrating on your work goes.
You might want to give a look for it, then, before you settle in to doing much work.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Now, I haven't commented on just how bloody far down the page this horoscope is in quite some time, and would just like to take a moment to do so.
Where do you get off?
This week will be mauve, with pinstripes of indeterminate colour.
Libra September 23 - October 22
For the people of the Libra persuasion this week will be funded in part by Shell Oil and Mobil Oil, who like to think of themselves as sort of modern-day philanthropists, in the sense that they give people oil, when they're not busy spilling it on rocks and sponsoring television broadcasts of ballets.
You may redeem your birth certificate for a cup full of oil at your local Shell or Mobil petrol station.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Last week's horoscope for Scorpios possibly wasn't the most elegant example of fine grammar.
Nonetheless, we feel quite good about ourselves even bothering to write filler, as you don't rightfully have a horoscope, having lost it in the great Horoscope Fire of September '97. We're just nice people.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
We would like to apologise and address the concerns of countless letters after our frivolous mention of the "Big Bang" last week.
Apparently, new evidence has come out pointing to a rather large Whimper, and not, as previously suspected, a Bang as the whole first cause thing, and by perhaps ignorantly and wantonly promoting out-dated and positively smarmy ideas about the creation of the whole mess of things we are endangering not only our own safety, but others, as well.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You find yourself out of a job, with not all that many prospects (save a lovely offer from an elderly person with no teeth or eyelids who offers to be your "patron" which you find yourself politely declining a few times a week now), a bad hip, slightly fuzzy vision, and being followed by a little dog who goes by the name "JoJo" this week.
This could be quite a promising week, indeed!
[Horoscopes. fantastic horoscopes as far as the eye can see!]
