Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is the traditional week that all Tauri around the world gather for their annual Tauri Retreat, in Vancouver, Canada.
That, unfortunately, that you have to meet once again with Hildegaard, the Swedish schoolmarm who you got into a row with at last year's, after she spilled a glass of wine all over your shoes.
You hope she still doesn't have the scar on her left elbow.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week, you're out of the Bastille, quite luckily, thanks to the attentions and good manners of a guard, and the large amount of jelly beans you happened to have in your pocket.
You just hope you have the opportunity to get rid of the two cans of Guinness you've got in your pockets, as well, partly because they're starting to rip the seams.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Merry November week!
This week, conveniently falling in the midst of the month of November, is the week people get together and celebrate the fact that it's November.
Of course, the tradition is to exchange odd looks with people going around wishing you a "merry November week," but ocassionally you could throw in a quizzical look, perhaps.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Whoops. Sometime around mid-week, you notice the lover you'd skewered last week begins to smell rather bad, which leads you to believe you may have to break it off, and you're quite worried with how they might take it.
If you are a celebrity, Interpol will hassle you again for carrying onboard a flight from Paris to Milan eight or so bottles of vodka, even if you do happen to have the cap for three of the eight.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your week will be all frilly.
More than likely, it will also involve bears.
But that remains to be seen.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your week will be all willy nilly.
If this happens to involve limbs akimbo you may find yourself using that phrase a lot more often than you do now.
You'll get on well with Andy Rooney, at any rate.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your week will be all hilly.
This is obviously just a poor go at having the rest of the horoscopes rhyme this week, and we'll knock it off right now.
It might be a good idea to have an oxygen tank on hand, anyway, just in case.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week you are best suited to getting papers in order and other vaguely clerk-like duties.
This does not include, sadly, any fantasies along the lines of shut-in librarians losing all inhibitions and frolicking in the dens of lust and goodies, those are things that only happen in movies.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I had the notes "trains, couples, legs banging" on a piece of paper next to your sign in the horoscope-writing room. Unfortunately, I now have absolutely no recollection what that was supposed to mean.
I also am merely guessing at what I wrote, as my handwriting is quite poor.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Heh heh, don't you wish you had a horoscope?
Well, go right on ahead, wish away! Because as they say, you just might get what you wish for.
Of course, when they said that, they knew nothing about your problem, and, were you to ask them, they'd tell you to give it up and forget any hope of getting a horoscope anytime soon.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
"This is just the beginning," you more than likely will tell someone in passing this week.
And you'd be right, too, if the beginning hadn't happened a couple billion years ago, with a little thing I like to call "The Big Bang."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You old devil, you.
Perhaps the luckiest person alive, you continue that streak, and meander, yes, meander, into the path of Lady Luck yet again, and she smiles yet again, instead of cuffing you like she does to all the other poor sods that happen to bump into her.
You should probably buy Lady Luck something nice for her birthday.
[Horoscopes. a lot like the thesaurus of the khazars.]
