Taurus April 20 - May 20
"Restaurants will come and go, but words will never hurt you."
This saying will be oh so poignant this week, when you find yourself eating in a diner in the back of what turns out to be a Recreational Vehicle Motor Home things, and the waiter happens to be quite snooty when you enquire as to how you're going to get your coat back, seeing as how the coatcheck room was situated in a part of the RV that didn't happen to travel.
We hear the fish is excellent at that restaurant.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The life of international intrigue you were expecting to spring from last week's visit from the blokes from the French Board of Health doesn't quite pan out, unless you count being thrown into the Bastille as intriguing, and, quite frankly, we don't. It's not like you're going anywhere, it's dark, smells quite poorly, and there are a lot of people screaming about getting out. Quite boring, as a matter of fact.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Fluffy is not, as they say, for sale, which is really too bad, it's quite a nice cat.
What they don't tell you, however, is that it's just someone really short dressed up in a cat suit.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will take advantage this week of the collusion between Mercury and Venus, and skewer yourself a lover!
You will note the decided lack of excitement the lover will show, after you've impaled them with a wooden stake, and be sure to remember that for future amourous ventures.
If you are a celebrity, someone will ask you your opinion to put either in their magazine or on the back of their book. We suggest the adjectives "brilliant, fab, and delicious," while the metaphor of the gem in the rough or the old "work of simplicity" route.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Let's take a minute to ackowledge the incredible part gravity has played in your life to this point. From not flying off into space (yes, a bittersweet part) to keeping your toast firmly on the counter while you attempt to butter it (any problems from there out can only be blamed on yourself), it's done quite a lot for you. And it's going to do even more soon.
Because all the Capricorns in the world, except for Joe Piscipo, if he happens to be a Capricorn, if not, he's clear anyway, will be hit by falling potted plants. Not all at the same time, though. Just sometime this week, is all.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
By the way, yes, we did fully intend to imply that the gods of fertility, currently residing somewhere on the dark side of Neptune, would have a whole lot of buxom young men and women bouncing about, making it altogether difficult to do much of anything except stare.
And we don't apologise for that in the least.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
For some reason, you will hear people calling your name all week, usually from right behind you, a little to the left.
One reason, albeit not the most popular one, could be that someone's found a radio station that recites your name all day, either knowing it's your name or not, and people are really into listening to it behind your back, even though they make say it's a pretty lame station when you ask them about it.
Aries March 21 - April 19
If you heed our advice this week you'll come out a very very happy person, indeed.
The stars tell us you're due for a promotion soon, to Grand-Super Master of Gangrene-Prevention at your office, or the head office, if it happens to be in a favourable location.
If your job doesn't happen to have such an office, or has someone already occupying that post, suggest they create (another) one, as you can never be too prepared when it comes to gangrene.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Boy, wouldn't it be nice if you were the kind of celebrity that Samuel Johnson had been and had people in the hundreds hanging about your door and checking the paper each day for news of your death?
Seems like that'd be an awful lot of pressure. And then you'd miss out on the ending, as well. Damn that luck.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If you were to have a horoscope this week, you'd more than likely want to book a band to play your birthday party, a big one, like The Beatles.
However, since you aren't, and the Horoscopal Board of Fantastic Calumny and Structural Integrity has warned us against giving you one (not even getting into what we've seen in the stars), you're stuck with that same damn clown with the rabbits that you've had the last fourteen years.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The age of reason was not, as you may have heard, all that reasonable.
I mean, 25 quid for a bag of carrots? That and three hundred dollars for a portable radio, had they been invented.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You happen to be stuck this week, funnily enough, heh heh, between the devil and the deep blue sea. Sorry about that.
We've got people looking into just how it is we plan on getting you down from there as soon as we figure out the logistics.
In the meantime, we might suggest counting how many different species of fish you can see.
[Horoscopes. so i'm sittin' here, sittin' in my rockin' chair.]
