Taurus April 20 - May 20
"A little strangeness never hurt anyone," they say, "Unless the strangeness happens to involve a gun and the phrase 'pedestrian target practice.'"
Your week will be a little strange.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week, drinks at a little place called "Tutu's" and a visit from an odd character claiming to be from the French Board of Health will lead you, at long last, into a life of international intrigue. And it's about time.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The story of the fox and the crane applies to your life this week, when you find all your good plates are being used by your guests as cups, and the self-same guests keep dropping pebbles in your finest vases.
Needless to say, you shouldn't invite these friends over ever again.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The telephone bill comes this week, and do you ever have to cut down on those phone calls to the preacher on the television who keeps asking you for money and who happens to reside somewhere in Texas, and has decidedly little to say in the way of helping you out with your problems.
If you are a celebrity, certain problems will arise that may endanger your career, in that whole aspect that involves either potential or actual shagging of the director of whichever movie in which you'd like a part.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have a deep and abiding admiration for the emperor's new clothes, which leaves you in a quite a select group, seeing as the clothes in question are covered in sequins which the emperor insists are real gold flakes, and his stockings are a bright, and regal, neon purple.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
By now, if you had been believing in the secret underworld gods of fertility and the like all along, you're reading this from their secret headquarters on the planet Neptune, the side they never let us see, in all likelihood lounging on a plush sofa and eating cotton candy and surrounded by just the sort of people you'd expect the gods of fertility to have around.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This week a vicious croquet is the cause of your weekly impetus, instead of the vicious croquet injury you incurred last week.
It's one of those potato croquets, filled with mashed potato and probably cheese and coated with this fried sort of stuff.
And if you wonder how it will effect your week, just ask your digestive tract.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Ok, so this week you'll have incredible luck with the ladies.
What this likely means is that you'll be encouraged to bring one to the gambling casino of your choice and clean up. If you are a lady, you're in luck, as you've got a built-in lady right there.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Did you happen to notice how this horoscope is often used in vaguely literary situations?
"Oh sure, sure, it's just because of the name," you say, grudgingly, as any good Msr. Hamburger would in response to being asked what he would like for dinner.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
It has now been fifty eight weeks since you've had a horoscope.
This space begins to strangely resemble one of those millenium clocks, only without the numbers always changing and counting down.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The cicadas were loud in the night.
Outside the window were the palm fronds, inside the photographs slept the sleep of timelessness.
Damn lazy photographs.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will receive an inordinate amount of bills being returned because apparently you forgot to pay them, or the cheques you sent were the wrong colour, or something.
Have lunch this week. Have it twice.
[Horoscopes. you're a tart, and you know it.]
