Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you can say "Dodgy diapers" fast three-hundred and forty seven times in a suitably busy public area (Grand Central Station, O'Connell Bridge, mind the construction workers, or the Baker Street underground station) and really loud, I'll give you forteen pence.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You find yourself playing racquetball and singing along at the top of your lungs to the Bangles. You never knew how hard it was to play racquetball while walking like an Egyptian. Now you do. Which is the lesson for this week in your life.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your tendency to mix up Roger and Francis Bacon comes back to haunt you this week, as you look absolutely foolish when you jokingly compare yourself to Francis Bacon after doing an otherwise impressive sum in your head.
You will be ridiculed the entire week. Unless you've read your horoscope, of course.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Finance and fortune smiles on you this week, but in one of those patronising sort of ways, so you don't get any richer, and Fortune keeps right on smiling. It's believe that Fortune may have ingested some sort of substance or another
If you are a celebrity, why don't you make a movie about the life and times of Julio Iglesias? I've always wanted to see a movie about that.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Stripes are the best fashion statement for you this week, as Venus is in a very stripey kind of mood, and you'll get in good with it if you wear stripes.
We suggest strongly that you do not attempt to wear plaid, thinking that that's a kind of stripe.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your rose bush flourishes in the crack out front of your house this week, even though you only planted it last week. It must be the secret underworld gods of fertility that you'd always hoped and knew would come and save you from this misery!
If you didn't ever hope or know the secret underworld gods were going to come and save you ignore that bit. And err... make sure you pull your shades down at night.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Oh no! A vicious croquet injury from last week leaves you bed-ridden this week in a hospital in the Serenghetti. The good news, though, is that your nurse falls deepply in love with you and offers you a good portion of candy each and every day, and talks wildly of taking you away, saving you from this vicious life, this cold, cruel world that the coming of the War, as he calls it, has thrust us into.
The candy is Cadbury's.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Ok, so this week the Shift key is marginally better, but only because I spent the week bashing it, and trying to shoo off ants. Finally, I just spilled some more soda on another spot, away from my keyboard, and spilled a little refined sugar in the spill to lure them away.
Needless to say, the Head Editor was none too happy when he stepped in the pile.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This week you will find that not everyone thinks like you.
You will find the great number of people have been replaced by alien video cameras and now all they think is "Record." (not record like Boyzone or Bewitched, but as in, "I've got the video recorder, I'm recording you." this note specially written to be understood by just about everyone, except for residents of Southampton, who still will not get it.)
Ahh!
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I just realised I used the horoscope last week in some slightly altered form somewhere else in these horoscopes a few months ago. Which means there was a real void in your horoscopes last week. Ouch.
I suggest trying the sanemagazine horoscope hotline, not yet operational, but the best way to reach the Fabulous and Specially Abled Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Cheese Steak Sandwiches.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A person will camp out underneath your window this week and play incessantly the Dire Straits album, "Making Movies," or, alternately, Peter Gabriel's "So."
Ok, so they're both fine albums in their own rights, but when the person runs up to you as you're leaving your building, slaps you, kisses you, then says he/she would like to see you but their father forbids it, you decide you've had enough of it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Yeah it's Christmas-time again!
Or reasonably close.
So air out your stockings, and enjoy this week, as Mars is passing through your sign, and you're bound to be visited by at least one out-of-body experience this week.
[Horoscopes. i love rock n roll.]
