Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week, you are going to thank your lucky stars you're a Taurus. "Why," you ask?
Because, this week it's 30% off Macy's for all Tauri! But only on the stuff no one else wants, so maybe you're not all that lucky.
Until Mr. Antonio Banderas/Ms. Posh Spice look-alike walks into your life!
Then you thank your lucky stars again, and apologise for cursing them out over getting stuck with a grey-green bathmat from Macy's.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Some random stranger on the street this week will quote you a passage from Proust, in an attempt to kill a generous amount of your brain cells.
"[You] notice little difference," you find yourself saying later in the week to a friend in a not-too crowded little establishment after a few drinks, "between the guy on the street that quoted [you] the Proust and the next guy floating a few feet above the pavement a block further on that threw the contents of a can of beer all over [you]. Very little difference, indeed."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A certain joie de vivre is in the air this week for you Virgos!
Therefore, we recommend wearing protective headgear, as when that stuff comes plummeting down to Earth the results are usually not favourable to those not equipped with the proper head-trauma-saving devices.
But if you can catch it once it's hit the ground you're bound to have a wonderful time of it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Poultry goes well with just about any awkward announcement, so plan your coming out speech to your parents, wedding announcement to the lad/lass whom has had a crush on you for the last twenty-eight years, decision to pursue a consulting job, or intense desire for Jim Carrey to be served up with a nice plate of chicken.
If you are a celebrity you might want to check on that pots of peas you've had boiling since Thursday last.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
We advise against reading too much into that celebrity comment for Geminians, as well as advising against reading celebrity this week or any as "celibacy."
Didn't mean to scare you, carry on with what it was you were doing.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
An unexplained crack in the pavement in front of your house will lead to quite a big event in your life (not to mention the lives of countless of plate tectonics experts) later in the week.
The crack, it will turn out, is the perfect place to plant a line of rose bushes. The reason this is a big event for the tectonics experts is because they were all living on the sidewalk in front of your house, and your row of rose bushes forces them off to find a more amenable place to live, what with being stuck constantly with rose bush thorns does not an amenable place to live make.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I like linoleum.
It has the opportunity to come in so many different patterns and textures, you find it almost hard to believe it's just one type of floor-covering!
Your week involves a surprising amount of croquet.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The entire time I've been writing these bloody horoscopes my shift key has been sticking, and it's starting to bother me, no end.
You know who it was, don't you? It was probably that daft new intern, the one with the pencil taped to his ear. Slippery little bugger, he probably spilled soda all over my computer. Which makes it just about useless, at this point. What with all the ants crawling all over it, attracted to the soda spill.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Spend lots of money on yourself and loved ones this week.
it's the autumn, and in most cultures you show your appreciation by buying all sorts of stuff.
Camel hair anything is always in style.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
A huge void inhabits your horoscope this week. This leads you to believe you might have a good future in being a tortured artist, singing about the pain of having no horoscope, and putting a nice fresh twist on all the anguish cases singing about someone or another sleeping with someone else or jabbing them with a butter knife or that lot.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week's horoscope is specially sponsored by Vitamin B, who urges you to
"Eat a lot of Vitamin B, not B1 or B12 or any other variation, but B. Plain old B. It's an easy mistake to make, choosing one of the other ones, especially with chemists and pharmacists that don't understand the proper alphabetising etiquette, but trust us, looking for it is worth it."
There also seems to be some warning or another out about trained killer squirrels in your neighbourhood, and you are advised to, you know, not underestimate them, or laugh at them, as might be inclined to do, normally.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A gentle manner will yield a great harvest.
The preceding cryptic horoscope bodes well, only if you use it well.
If you use it poorly, or feel you may accidentally use it unwisely, please take care to wear eye-protection, and keep yourself indoors, away from other people. We also request that you use the following, less cryptic horoscope.
Be sure to get your change back after giving the cashier a ten pound note for a loaf of bread.
This horoscope can be translated into other currency by visiting a suitable place that has taken the time to sort out a script to convert currencies or just estimating the difference yourself.
[Horoscopes. i still cannot believe how incredibly and possibly stupidly lucky i am.]
