The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will meet a man going to St. Ives. I think you've met him before, in these horoscopes. But this time he'll just be carrying a guitar case and a six pack.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A delightful glow will spread about your face when you race, for the three millionth time, around the park on that little train. Just don't eat too many sweets before embarking.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This will be your week to teach that snotty nose kid from down the street a lesson.
Unfortunately, for both of you, it will be in algebra.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You just can't stomach vegetables this week.
So don't even try it.
If someone offers you any, just start screaming and run out of the room with your hands over your ears.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Choose your friends wisely, and they will reward you, especially if you're on a game show in which you choose friends and they're required to give you money in return...
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Buy yourself a really large bottle of whiskey for Saturday. You will have deserved it, by that point.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be contacted by the Bread Man on Tuesday.
Take the package, and deliver the goods to Henry the Eighth.
Aries March 21 - April 19
"A one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind is king."
I say this because you're going to have an incident with sharp stick on Thursday and I wanted you to feel better about it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
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Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will be lulled into a deep, deep sleep by the roaring of airplane engines this week. And part of the previous.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Some weird stuff is gonna go down this week.
I would stay in and order a pizza.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Just keep repeating... well, no. Nothing will help.
Just duck and cover, wherever possible. And plan to sleep next week.
[Horoscopes. Where are they, indeed.]