The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This will be an extraordinarily produc
Leo July 23 - August 22
We knew what was going to happen to you on Tuesday.
Due to publishing difficulties, however, we're telling you this Thursday. So we won't bother rehashing details of what we both already know.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Oh yeah, I hate to break this to you, but if you'd played the lottery on Monday you would have won.
Whoopsies.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Beets are good for bad breath.
The theory goes that, when you say the word 'beets', as in, "Please pass me the beets," such spittle is generated that it moves the intended hearer back a few feet, thus giving you at least a yard of extra breathing space in which your bad breath can diffuse and seem not quite so bad.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's time to get a new pair of shoes!
Don't accept anything less than alligator or some sort of other reptile skin for your feet.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will finally kick that cold you've had since 1983.
Fortunately, the cold which follows is destined to last only a few years and not through major cultural shifts.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are exhibiting a strange fear of racing someone, metaphorically or literally. Perhaps you're worried you've lost a step?
Aries March 21 - April 19
We knew what was going to happen to you on Monday.
Due to publishing difficulties, however, we're telling you this Thursday. So we won't bother rehashing details of what we both already know.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Wish I had something for you, but I don't, even at this late stage.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will have some seriously stinky pants on Friday.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Pick up after yourself, or the revenge gnomes will get you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
An excellent week to try out that robotic leg trial going on at the local university. Just surrender one good leg for a robot leg. What could go wrong?
[Horoscopes. Cool. In an unfinished, dorky kind of way.]