Taurus April 20 - May 20
Are you happy now?
If you aren't, you should get happy real quick, because this is your week to be happy. Unbelievably, undeniably, and hyperactively happy. Like you've eaten a whole lot of sugar, and found that, instead of rotting your teeth, it builds new teeth every time you eat it until you have four hundred or so teeth in your mouth! Oh, wait, that might not be the best analogy...
Leo July 23 - August 22
"Yeah yeah yeah, that candy feels good."
This is your week to shine... at the car wash! You'll get a job this week being the person who rubs cars with a rag after they've gone through the wash. You'll find you're quite good at it, a natural, if you will.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Mercury hanging about the corner with a sort of suspicious air on him will conspire to make your week very doubtful. In fact, when his mates, Jupiter and Saturn, join him later in the week you will begin to make loud generalisations on what the world is coming to when you can't feel safe in your own neighbourhood, what with all the planets hanging about the corners nowadays.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Cheer up a fellow Geminian this week, as it will make you feel good, and is tax deductable, too! Which is good, since taxes are coming up on being due at the end of this... oh no! Somebody set my calendar back six month!
If you are a celebrity a delightful ditty about blue bikinis and mangoes will hit the airwaves and really strike your fancy.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Buy stock in candles this week, as either your love/romantic life will experience a terrific boom this week, or your power will be cut by a negligent bird watcher that just so happened to be watching birds with a pickaxe and a hacksaw. On your power line.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
So does anyone want to explain to me how it is Elvis Presley got to be so famous when all he ever sang about were canaries and cheese?
Or do I have the wrong person in mind again?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This week you are blissfully, congenially, happy-like free! Like a bird, unless that bird happens to, oddly enough, be caught in a bear trap. because then the bird wouldn't be free at all.
It would also be unlike that if the bird were covered with fur, four hundred pounds heavier, and had claws. And stuck in a bear trap.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Despite the absence of any form of alcohol in the efforts of these here horoscopes this week, you still have the feeling that the horoscope writer just doesn't like. Unless that woman happens to be an Aries, in which case, your horoscope this week predicts that you will meet a fantastic horoscope writer this week and give him a go. Oh yes you will. Otherwise, that feeling you have is more than likely completely unfounded but true.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Paging Doctor Libra. That's right! After absolutely no study whatsoever for your doctor's degree, you're awarded one by Yale University (whose computer that does such things may or may not have been tampered with). You feel quite free to go about and wonder why people go on and on about how difficult it is to get a doctorate in anything.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You receive a visitor this week, claiming to be from the Hugely Popular Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Financial Wizardry. However, reinforcing the age old maxims about looking gift-horses in the mouth, I believe, he turns out to be quite a rude houseguest, after all, and merely some actor who plays an out-of-work guitar-player on your favourite soap.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
VH-1 announces something or other about running a marathon, twenty-eight day tribute to Devo, early on in the week.
You will notice a sudden loss of appetite and incredible feeling of excitement.
Small, balloon-shaped parephenlia (quite possibly balloons) from your "Devo Days", as you liked to call them, will begin dotting the walls of your flat.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week could possibly be the most important week that has ever happened to you in your entire life. Really.
It could also be the most boring week you've ever experienced, ever. There are just so many possibilities. We suggest taking the former, then settling on the latter if the first one starts looking bad. Or maybe just ordering out a pizza or two and trying to finish off the suspiciously large amount of alcohol left over in your fridge.
[Horoscopes. as a precursor this week, the horoscopes, naturally, are going to suck. oh, well, maybe not a precursor, unless you read this first.]
