The Horoscopes

a forecast for 24 March to 30 March


Taurus April 20 - May 20
Underestimate the Federal Reserve at your own peril.
Your insensitive jokes about them from last week will come back to bite you in the backside (literally) this week.

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Leo July 23 - August 22
Beware an overabundance of frogs this week.
Wear gloves, if possible.

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Virgo August 23 - September 22
Enjoy the dregs of March cooing like a lamb, to drive home that age-old saying about March: "In like a lion, out like a pigeon dressed up as a lamb."

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Gemini May 21 - June 20
Lemons alone could sustain a person for seven weeks without any other sort of sustenance. You will find this out this week when you get locked in a lemon factory.

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Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Dress according to your moods this week.
Friday will call for cranky pants.

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Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your supreme blotting skills will be needed, desperately, on Wednesday.

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Pisces February 19 - March 20
A light heart and a hammer are the best tools you can use in your fight against adversity this week.

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Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't lick that thing you find on Thursday.

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Libra September 23 - October 22
Nothing pour vous.

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Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Here's the deal: the hours of seven PM to 7 AM in your timezone are hereby off limits to you.
So not a peep out of you, mmkay?

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Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't mess with Texas this week.
If you can avoid it altogether it might be best. It's got a real chip on its shoulder.

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Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
For one thing, they're probably too small, and smell funny.

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[Horoscopes. Very cool looking.]