The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Things will look dire on Tuesday... and still pretty dire as of Friday. It'll be a dark week, all in all, for you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You have a visitor! Or you are a visitor! Either way, someone will be visiting in some form or another this week in your life.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
In the previous horoscope the letter 't' made inadvertent "visits", you might say, at the end of nearly every word.
Just goes to show you how powerful the stars really are.
Oh, and try a different food on Thursday, you might be surprised.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You have well and truly arrived on the world stage.
Oh, wait, no, that's Logan. I have no idea, come to think of it, what the world stage looks like.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
No matter what they say, weevils are not your friends. Not this week, not ever.
So you can stop buying them presents around major holidays.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You have a visitor!
Bearing gifts! Like biscuits you can actually eat! Joy!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You should invest in a golf cart. Saturn sees you whizzing around in a golf cart.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stop beating your head against a brick wall.
Seriously, studies have shown it's not a good idea.
Unless you're wearing a crash helmet.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I've got nothing for you. Which is barely less than I've got for everyone else, I'm afraid.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Be good to your old man this week.
And your old mom.
Basically, be good to anyone older than you this week. For some of you this will be a considerable number of people.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to assassinate the President and Supreme Ruler of Acton, MA. Your cover will be explained to you by a fellow agent later in the week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Try waking up on an as yet undiscovered side of the bed this week. Like the bottom, or something.
[Horoscopes. Well look at our fancy founder...]