Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is the week that all Tauri get to convince other people that it's their (the Taurus' [pronounced 'tauruses']) birthday this week!
We suggest using the old "Oh, your calendar must not be on Greenwich Mean Time, or has fallen behind or something." This, NB, does not work well with people of Druidic persuasion.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Leo, oh, Leo, wherefore art thou, Leo?
You will find yourself on a ship, really big one, yeh know. Really big until it dings off a big chunk of ice and you freeze to death in a big man-made pool that took a couple billion US$ to build. Nice.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You probably need to consider the true value of knowing how to spell and how that's really going to help you in liff. Err... life.
Eat cheesecake and strawberries this week, and you can do no wrong. Unless the strawberries are rotten, of course.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You know how a raven is like a writing desk, now, if you could just figure out how to put on matching socks your life would be pretty all right.
If you are a celebrity the bit about the raven doesn't apply to you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This week, the stars are definitely telling you to join a local chapter of the Second Day Adventists Cult, which works a lot faster than nine out of ten other cults, the Pentium II and G3 chips!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
"We've got nothing, but that's all right."
Come on, have a good one this week, full of jolliment and that lot, maybe with a little treat, ice cream or something, towards the end of the week.
Because on Friday you're going to have a dreadful accident with one of those anchors people put in their front yard for some sort of inexplicable social status value.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Spend your week only speaking in acronyms, and, before any of you go off trying to learn how to speak like spiders, an acronym is something like saying only the first letter of every word. WWW, AT&T, and the ever-popular DBABIOIHTTYWIRMTC are a few examples. It would be bad form to use those examples without providing credit where credit is due.
Aries March 21 - April 19
To offset the meteoric growth (which isn't exactly proper, as meteors don't really grow so much as burn up, get really small and still manage to pulverise something when they finally land in a less-populated corner of Islington, but it can be accepted as a quaint colloquialism of some backwoods town that doesn't really know any better, until, of course, they end up having a small meteor demolish the town hall, after which they erect a statue of a meteor made out of the old meteor that hit the town hall in the very spot where it hit, and a whole lot of interesting facts and trivia about meteors that you normally wouldn't have known inscribed on a plaque at the base of the meteor statue) of the Second Day Adventists cult, the Night-Time Advertisers cult begins recruiting with a bit more vigour, and you strongly consider joining up.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Using a very fine astrolabe this week, we managed to get you the most accurate horoscope prediction possible for this week.
However, we don't think you're going to like it, so you're going to go to the park this week, ok!? Yeah! Just take a walk down there and enjoy it!
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You receive a very nice and thoughtful letter from the Horoscopal Board of Terrific Calumnies and Integrity Whilst Still Managing To Have A Good Time explaning that they never received your previous letter, and would, if you please, ask you to send another, possibly with a cheque enclosed for whatever amount you deem fair and reasonable, wait three to eight weeks, and then send yet one more letter, this one requiring a cheque for at least £10, and they'll probably get back from lunch and have some sort of response to your letter.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Hoping to get a better price, you decide this week to camp out in front of your local grocer's the night before the much ballyhooed Lettuce 3.0 comes out.
It turns out you just end up getting a bit cold, damp, and then disappointed, in that order, as it's a cold night, the dew in the morning is quite wet, and the Lettuce 3.0 turns out to be just cabbage.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
"Any ole time, you want me, baby."
Your life would go well with a nice soundtrack from that nice young man, Woody Allen's movies. Of course, if you don't live in New York City you could have a hard time making some sort of sense of that soundtrack playing constantly.
Wink, and ye shall be winked at.
[Horoscopes. oh. boy, is my face red.]
