The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your dirty little secret will be out this week.
If you have access, try and book an interview with Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes as he apparently will take it easy on you. Be sure to seed him with questions like what your favourite ice cream is and why the sky is blue.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be steadfast in your convictions this week.
Unless they run counter to what your parents want you to do, in which case, bend like Gumby.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Focus will be at a premium this week.
Still, if someone offers to trade your focus for a barrel of oil, I would consider taking the barrel of oil. That price just keeps going up and up. You can always get more focus, or get by without it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Brand new chances in life will appear out of the woodwork like termites this week!
And when they appear like that it usually means they've eaten through your house and it's falling down around your ears.
So, umm, if you were in the market for a new house (or wanted to be), well, this is your lucky week!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be vigilant. Someone will try and steal your charm this week.
If you are Lucky the Leprechaun from the Lucky Charms box you will be used to this by now. If you are not he, well, this is how the other, umm, half, lives. Half being a leprechaun whereas you are in the half that is not a leprechaun.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Help is on the way!
They will be carrying fire hoses, chains, axes, pitchforks, and a blow torch.
All of which, if you had it handy, might make your day-to-day job easier.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A close friend of yours will harbour a deadly secret, one that could turn the course of human histor... sorry, sorry. This isn't your horoscope. That's yet another Da Vinci Clone.
Your horoscope says green is your colour this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Time is an illusion this week.
Makes meeting the end of the week rather tricky for you. You should be aware that failure to reach the end of the week may void the next few weeks' worth of horoscopes for you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I've got nothing for you, mate.
Pip, pip.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Okay, okay, how about this?
You go down quietly to bed each night this week and I'll buy you a pony?
Deal?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
No pony for you.
But I will make you a poorly constructed (some might say amateur) origami pony, if you ask nicely enough.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Certain things in life, you will learn this week, you cannot control.
Like a remote controlled car with a battery-less remote.
In fact, that may be the very thing you find you can't control this week.
[Horoscopes. Curiously, Further Fenway Fiction's publication is not noted in this list.]