The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you take the attitude that life is one big interruption you won't be frustrated by little additional interruptions.
Also, you won't make nearly as many plans as you do now.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Try and keep to whatever plan you set out last week.
This will be incredibly hard when the army ants who had been marching on the city finally arrive. It's tough to focus when you've got thousands of tiny ant feet walking up your body.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Tips for avoiding army ant infestation:
1) Build a moat of gasoline and set fire to it before the ants arrive.
2) Be very, very sure you set fire before the ants arrive.
3) But not too soon before. Otherwise it burns out, the ants cross, and you're left with a whole lot of ants with the remains on gasoline on their feet walking all over you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Lay low this week.
Real low.
Like get in the foxhole. Now.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
For the first time in your life, you will have solved the Rubik's Cube this week.
If you are still under a year old this is an amazing accomplishment.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
The horoscope writer really lucked out with you, didn't he?
It'll all be worth it someday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Money is in the wind this week.
Just hope it's not yours when you're out walking on Thursday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will see both sides of the coin of human nature this week.
The shiney, oversized head size, and the picture of a building. This metaphor may be hard to recognize in actual practise.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Nothing. You gots nothing.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will show off your very early acquired flirting skills this week.
More of that, less of the crying and we're all okay.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you leave that last cookie behind, the terrorists win.
And I'll be annoyed, because I could have had it, only I was trying to be nice and leave it for you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
At this rate, at your fiftieth anniversary you're going to have fifty kids.
You might want to slow down.
[Horoscopes. Challenge somebody today! (If the servers are up, anyway.)]