The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Friends who throws stones are best kept close.
So long as they tend to aim high (but not too high, obviously). If they tend to wing stones like they're skipping them across a pond you might want to get some new friends, as some people can skim stones up to a mile away.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Marching orders are in!
Just get marching!
If you like in a small apartment, just march in place. Otherwise, try and vary it or your rug's going to look awful at week's end.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Peanut butter is not a good substitute if you run out of glue.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Small things will annoy this week.
As the devil is in the details, and details are generally small, I would be pretty confident that he's using his little pitchfork on your from the small things. Which can be pretty annoying, all right.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Live the life you lead, not Billy Idol's life.
He's so cranky when you get up in his face.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Avoid milk this week.
This won't be too difficult, as milk is notoriously slow. A couple quick head feints and a mad dash to the exit should suffice.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
We received no baked goods from you last week.
It is not wise to anger the horoscope writers.
You will have a so-so week. Act now to prevent it from getting worse.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your life will resemble a limerick this week.
One with a protagonist based in Nantucket.
Libra September 23 - October 22
What is the sound of no horoscope for someone alone in the forest?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
By week's end your weight will have doubled.
This may be the first indicator that you have a problem.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
So you gave a big gift. Now it's your turn to get a big gift.
Someone will give you Guam this week.
Countries are a bit of hassle, though. You may want to not accept it. Gracefully, if possible.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Get cracking on things that matter to you this week.
Be strong in your convictions, and no one will give you any grief worth hearing. Sorry, be strong and wear ear plugs.
[Horoscopes. Buy now, for the holidays. Heck, buy the set. In between shops you should try this, too: Stop the Press Game.]