The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't piss off your neighbours this week.
It could start World War III. Especially if your neighbours have nukes. Or some household appliance with some sort of radioactive core.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Stay on the sunny side of the street this week.
If you can avoid it, don't even look at the shady side.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Be on the lookout for totem poles.
For whatever reason: laziness, increasingly decrepit manufacturing, or some vast conspiracy, they will have a tendency to topple in your direction this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be wise, and invest time in bettering yourself this week.
If you stretch your imagination, eating chocolate cake could be considered bettering yourself, in some way, I'm sure.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Beware people bearing gifts. Well, not gifts, really, but guns. Those people you need to beware, for sure.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will visit Mike's Gym this week.
And your superpower this week is the ability to turn off the sound in the world at large.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Saturn rounding third, heading into home will wreak havoc with any attempts to vacuum this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your legs will seem shorter this week. Go figure.
Libra September 23 - October 22
No. Still no sign of it.
Uh oh. For you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Stop eating! Just stop! Quick!
You're going to wind up huuuuuuge, and no one wants that, especially not those poor paramedics who have to remove your wall to get you out of the house.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are huge in Japan this week.
In North America and Venezuela, not so much.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will need the patience of a Zen Master this week.
This will require fighting a Zen Master, because they're very reluctant to give up their patience. And man, can they fight. Maybe buy Band-Aids on Monday.
[Horoscopes. A very droll take on the phenomenon known as NaNoWriMo. And more news on the founding of Rome.]