The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't mess with Texas this week. They're just cranky, and batsh** insane. So leave well enough alone if you can.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Speak tall and carry a velvet wallet.
This will impress people at your breaking the normal sensory boundaries of speech, and a velvet wallet always impresses, I find.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Like Nancy Reagan always said, "I hate hermits."
Now, you don't have to outright hate them, but you should heed the sentiment and just let them to themselves. As JFK once said, "Live and let live."
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your tickets for a flight on Monday will mysteriously disappear during the course of the day. Whoops. Looks like your stay in New England will be an extended one.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're a princess this week!
Just be careful with that princess wand. With great power comes a great wand, and that wand is capable of poking an eye out, if you're not careful.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Quick, stash their tickets! Behind the couch... no, they'll look there... in the garbage disposal! Good move!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Is that the smell of pumpkin cake I detect, emanating from your house?
Start practising your singing and dancing skills for Thursday now.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't play with guns this week.
The thing where you shot out the door of you car last week should have served as sufficient warning, but we're just putting an extra one in here.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Still no horoscope. To be honest with you, I'm not looking all that hard. I have a feeling I know what happened. Some little tyke ruined it for all Libras by appearing a day late.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You're snoring right now.
Snoring, and you resemble a bomb, strapped to someone's chest.
Which is comedic, considering that some people have named your bowel movements "bombs."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You owe me more maple walnut custard. Pay up, or the horoscope gets it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Umm, I would change your accessories before you visit Logan Airport. While I know that's a baby they may mistake it for a bomb. And the LEDs you've attached to the Baby Bjorn don't help matters any.
[Horoscopes. No, our books are not yet on Kindle.]