Taurus April 20 - May 20
Happy Super Cheese Steak Day! This week we celebrate the most joyous day of the year, and, ringing it in will be no small order for you Tauri!
I do hope you haven't forgotten to stock up on noisemakers and party things like that, or someone's going to be very upset.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Take a walk this week, it will sort all of your problems, if you happen to have any lying around. Just when you start to think, "Why haven't I done this earlier when I've had problems?" you'll get the walk's £150 bill, and the reason will be quite apparent.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Fiddlesticks and cheesecake! Those are two words that don't rhyme at all, and make a rather poor catchy saying, if you are, in fact, trying to make up a catchy saying.
We here in the horoscope division believe you can do better.
If you are Arnold Swarzeiheimerwhatshisname, ignore this advice.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you care about this sort of thing, you might want to eat radishes this week, as they're quickly becoming the hot new food to be seen with and/or consuming this autumn.
If you are a celebrity you will see a gigantic rise in your popularity if you happen to have the personality of or just resemble a radish.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Once you're done skipping and singing a merry song (and not signing, as you may have misread early on, easy mistake, we might have done it, if we were Capricorns), it may behoove you to take the week off, rest a bit, enjoy life a little bit more sendentary-like.
Money and love will avoid you after last week's display.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This week, horoscopes are composed in one of those impossible to sit in futon chairs that have absolutely no sort of form or recognisable shape once someone weighing more than 25 pounds sits on them.
For this sign, unfortunately, the writer fell off on to the floor for the third time, and laid there for some time, perhaps in protest.
As a result, this sign has a horrible forecast, with partly cloudy skies on Friday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Otters figure prominently in your financial and love (or "friendship") life this week.
Otters are lovely creatures, always quite animated and fun-loving, great chums to have around, and you can't beat having an otter on your side if things get rough!
It looks to be a good week for you, indeed. Just be sure to have one of those fake rock otter pools installed in your kitchen to keep them around and happy.
Aries March 21 - April 19
If you happen to wear glasses, beware eating lunch outside at any restaurants this week, as there's a good chance you're going to wind up sitting with your back to the sun, and it will shine through your lenses and set your dinner guest on fire.
Which is always awkward.
Libra September 23 - October 22
It turns out you may be allergic to pine nuts.
This week, watch out for Harrison Ford, it seems he's gotten a bit angry with the Libra of the world, and is out to get all of you.
He may or may not be bringing back-up.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This week is full of vinegar, masquerading as vigour.
It goes well with chips, so you take it from there how you should spend your week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Waa-Ha! Yes, that and many more things to come for you this week, which will coast through joyous times, spiffy tidings, not-quite-so-good-as-you-might-have-wished encounters with your postman, a general malaise with a certain dog you pass on a walk one day, and a large sum of money being spotted, but, alas, not gained, by yourself.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
What a difference two weeks make!
This is your week, so feel free to charge whatever you deem reasonable to all the poor slobs that have been taking advantage of your kindness this week.
Go out and buy a shag carpet, nudge nudge. No, really, do please, your floors are a mess.
[nudge nudge, wink wink]
[Horoscopes. happy new year!]
