The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Walk softly and don't pee on your neighbour's lawn.
You'd be surprised (or perhaps you wouldn't) how often you will need to check this advice and stop yourself from a certain course of action this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Ka-chow!
Life is a highway, and you're gonna ride it all night long.
Or perhaps you've just been watching a certain movie a little too much.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A one eyed, one toed five purple people eater has escaped the mandatory Halloween cease and desist order and will absolutely make a mess of your kitchen.
The fact that it's not 100% factually in line with the beast from the song is probably why.
Still won't help your kitchen.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Welcome to America!
You will touch down to light flurries on Friday.
Please enjoy the most secure water on the planet in Logan airport before you get in that car waiting for you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will enjoy a special play-date on Tuesday!
Just beware the Jabberywocky. Apparently your hosts keep one in the basement.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Visitors!
I'd say you should pretty yourself up to prepare for their arrival, but it's nearly not physically possible to get any more lovely for you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will bring Munchkins... you will bring Muuuuuuunchkins.
Tuesday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
GET DOWN, GET DOWN, GET DOWN!
Friday. This is what the cops will be screaming at you.
You might want to wear comfortable clothes that day.
Libra September 23 - October 22
When the dust settles this week you'll still be left with a vicious cough. And no horoscope.
Curiouser and curiouser.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Your first week has been a blur of screaming and kicking. Some of it by you.
The pink hair-band tops your favorite moments list thus far.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Life is like a chocolate shake.
Mind you don't get an ice cream headache.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Okay, this is where it gets interesting.
Carry an umbrella everywhere you go this week.
[Horoscopes. Nice. Dress up Steve Ballmer. Also, a bonus, extra-special link, with just a little bit of profanity.]