The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
I sense a disturbance in the horoscopes.
Like everyone in the world has suddenly stepped left one step.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You get a sense that the horoscopes have shifted, as well. Only instead of a step left it's like a shimmy and a shake. Which is without any specific direction.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The tilt-a-whirl continues with you, only it's like a bundt cake, which hasn't inflated on one side, and you're a midget walking along the top of it, and you've got slippery shoes on, and are being chased by a greased fox.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will experience the shift everyone else seems to be experiencing as an ungraceful exit off the merry-go-round.
Bring air sickness bags most places you go this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The cosmic bump and shift will affect you as a drunken evening out on ice skates.
Which could be fun, could be disastrous.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I don't know if people will blame you or that pesky Scorpio, but either way. I think you guys have broken something.
And, unfortunately, you experience the shift as all your organs lumping back into place after something large shoots out of the way.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You feel the shift, and personally, we might blame it on those pumpkin cupcakes disappearing.
That wouldn't be the real reason, but it works well enough for our purposes. Try shipping out some new cupcakes to our offices.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will fall over this week.
It may be due to that same cosmic disturbance we've been talking about, or you could just be clumsy. Or that clown who's been chasing you with a chainsaw has finally caught up with you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
For some reason, you have no horoscope this week.
Must be something to do with that massive shift...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have royally and fitfully screwed things up.
Luckily, you're cute.
However, you could do with maybe sleeping a little more.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your horoscope is also skewed this week, like two ships bumping in the night.
This is usually vastly less preferable to ships passing in the night, but in this case it clears your blocked sink drain, so it's all good.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The horoscopal shift, for you, has manifested itself like a wombat and a tiger getting in a fight in a rowboat you happen to be rowing to the shop, because you forgot change for the MBTA and saw an empty rowboat floating along the Charles and needed milk desperately.
It's not as unpleasant as you might think that would be.
[Horoscopes. Ahh.]