Taurus April 20 - May 20
Oh joyous week! This week, with Mercury rising in your Snappily Dressed House of Greens and Assorted Vegetables, you will meet a charming stranger in the produce section of your local grocer's. So charming, in fact, that the two of you forever spoil a clump of celery, a few heads of lettuce, three wanton cabbage heads, a carrot or seven, terribly frighten a small elderly woman, injure a stock-boy, and batter some processed cheese that happened to be lying about, misplaced, in that section when errr... certain, you know, things go on.
Or not, depending on your level of comfort with your local grocer, and whether or not you can find a dependable alternative when you're banned for life from this one.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A warm sunny beach beckons this week, and would sort out a great deal of problems you have. However, this holds true for all the signs, not just Leos, so get over it.
You will have a smashing week of bowling fortunes, so get out there and bowl away!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Things don't just taste better when they're imported, they also have wisdom and experience that things that never got to ride a boat with scores and scores of rats just don't have, and won't, unless they hop the next boat they can find and head off for somewhere exciting. But then you have to pay for return passage, which is just overdoing it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If the gentleman living next door to myself who owns all the pigeons happens to be a Gemini, you will notice a remarkable drop-off in the number of living pigeons you have. However, you tend to notice things being a lot quieter and cleaner, save the occasional gunshot here and there. If you aren't a Gemini, ignore this message.
If you are a celebrity, give up on trying to get a spot in the papers this week, as that publicity hog from the United States keeps pushing his face right back on in, and will keep the dailies tied up with some video and accompanying sing-along tape or another all week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Skip and sing a merry song this week, and your fortunes will smile upon you.
They may also make some side-comment about you having gone absolutely barmy now, but you can't win them all, for the most part.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be poked with a medium to sharp stick this week by a completely random person this week.
Odds-makers in Las Vegas have Clint Eastwood ahead 25-1 of David Beckham for being the random person.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
How's your lamp this week? No fires? Good, good.
However, you might want to watch your toaster, who seems to have been waiting for a calm moment such as this when no lamps are ablaze to flare up and explode all over your lovely curtains.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week will be one red herring after the next, until you finally have cause to complain, when your Mum makes red herring casserole, and attempts to pass it off as meatloaf.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A celestial hodge podge brings you happiness, sadness, joy, and pine nuts this week in a delightful wicker basket.
You feel slightly ripped off, getting happiness and joy in the same basket.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Horoscopal Board of Integrity and Fine Spirits still hasn't gotten back to you, and you slowly awaken to the realisation that you've spent one whole year basically fixated on trying to get your horoscope back.
One whole year of your life, pissed away. Ah well.
I see more of the same for the upcoming year.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week apparently portends great things for you.
Her name is, of course, Bertha, and she works in the circus, and she stakes her claim to fame as the fattest woman with a beard in the world ever to perform for the Wonko Brothers' Circus of Light and Weirdness solely on her third arm, which alone weighs over one hundred and seventy five pounds. She bakes excellent cookies, you find.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
What a difference a week makes! Not only is this a slogan for some weight-loss program, but it also describes your situation exactly!
So go out there and get 'em, especially the cute one, with slightly less social ineptitude than yourself!
[Horoscopes. reading horoscope than your own, even a year later still, is very dnagerous, so don't do it.]
